What is Written on My Heart

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery
of a Woman's Soul

John & Stasi Eldredge's Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul is the 2nd book that I have chosen to read for this week. Just like Wild At Heart, I enjoyed reading this book and it kept me awake until the wee hours of the morning. It spoke to me clearly that I couldn't find the reason to put down the book and continue reading it some other time. I just knew that I had to finish reading it. 

Joel and I at the EPIC
"East Coast" of Singapore

Upon reading this book, I was confronted with the question, "What is written on your heart?" And immediately my thoughts led me to my friend, thesismate, and brother, Joel. For the moments that we have been together in Singapore, he kept asking me, close to bugging / nagging me about answering that question. I could almost still audibly hear his voice from here asking me, "di nga, sis, what's on your heart?" 

It's funny how God reveals Himself to us. He gives us opportunities to know Him more in different ways. He could invite us through different circumstances, through the people around us, through the things we encounter... the point is God's invitations come in different ways, modes, and circumstances and at the end of the day, these invitations remain to be matters of the heart. 

This being said, God's invitation to know Him more comes through our passion -- the desires set deep with us. "What is it you yearn to see happen -- how do you long for the world to be a better place? What brings you to tears?" (Captivating,p.213). Now, it is clear to me, why I have this burning desire in my heart. 

I have been sharing with Joel and my friends, that I got this burning desire / dream / passion in my heart to be in Singapore, be a blessing to my parents and my family, minister to my loved ones and be a good testimony to the non-Christians out there. Why? I do not know why for the longest time. All I know is that something tells me that that's what I have to do. I prayed for it and cried for it only to find out that I reached the end of my journey and had to fly back home to Manila since there were no prospects for a job there during that time and my visa was expiring.  I even prayed to the Lord that if my motives were wrong, He better rebuke me. He better just break me so I may learn new things from the experience but no, He never removed that burning passion in my heart. God only sent me home.

I remained dumbfounded about it. At times I felt I'm at a loss. At times, I felt like I'm holding on to a dream that is unreachable. At times, I felt like I am just hanging by a thread and that's it. I still don't know what's next.But that's the main point! And I almost missed it. God is working in me right now. I am marred with my past, hurt by so many things, and in the process, I have lost my identity in Christ. It is just now that I am coming to terms to Him and to myself. I am in this predicament because God wants to reveal Himself to me. (Yes, I'm like, "What's up with you, Jem? How come you've only realized that now?") God removed me from my busy schedule, my toxic job (which I loved so much by the way), the comforts of my home, sent me to a foreign land (which I still want to settle in to), allowed me to experience trying times (being alone, learning how to cook, addressing my issues, being strong, standing firm about my principles and list goes on and on), only to be sent home because GOD WANTS TO RESTORE ME... GOD WANTS TO RESTORE MY HEART which should be beating for Him and Him alone!

He set me free, left me hanging so I could let go of the clutter that is in my heart. He disconnected me from so many things so my issues would remain to be about Him and my relationship with Him. He is leaving me with nothing so I could recover my long-lost passions, long-forsaken dreams, forgotten goals, and even the vision I once had. (Let me just say that as I am writing these words at this very moment, my heart is beating fast and I am excited for something I do not know again. Haha!)

God is putting all these back to my heart with the exciting feeling of expectancy of what the outcome of these things will be in the future because He is inviting me to cling to Him (tightly at that) and know Him more (as in with depth this time). How else could I know my God if He doesn't put me in situations where He will minister to me in a very special way?? Funny how I kept praying over this summer for God to reveal Himself to me and minister to me in a very special way. I kept looking for evidences that He was ministering to me in a special way. I was hoping for some sort of grand sign like a job in Singapore or an unexpected surprise but none of it happened. How naive of me not to see that He was working in my life everyday through the "normal" experiences that I was going through!

God sent out invitations / opportunities for me to bring my heart closer to Him and ask Him to clarify, to deepen, and to speak to me about how, when, what, and with whom. It is just awesome to realize this one. I was truly never alone after all. God was really working in my life! True enough, "the place that God calls us is that place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet." (Frederick Buechner)

However, reality check now - to be in this predicament is scary. I always told Joel how scared I am, how my fears cripple me to take that leap of faith and jump right into things. Responding to things, even to God's invitations to know Him more, was just to risky. It meant letting go of too many comforts in life and it meant holding on to my faith and defy logic. It's like a war between reality and fantasy. 

But you know what I have realized? The lives of the people who chose to follow God led lives of profound risks! They exposed their lives to the possibility of injury, damage, loss or separation. It involved risks of loving others (regardless of how unlovable these people are), stepping out and offering (though you already have so little and you do not know how to sustain your needs for tomorrow and the days to come), speaking up (though you may be misinterpreted as radical or rebellious) and following our God-given dreams (though the people around you keep telling you to stay put, let it go, it's impossible, you got nothing, you don't have resources, etc., etc., la-di-da-di-da). 

You see life is hard but we are encouraged by Jesus' disciple, Peter, to not give way to fear. (1 Peter 3:6). It is now clear to me that I am scared to step out because I know that things might not go well. I have nothing concrete to hold on to. i fear to be perceived as one of those women who are weak. There is no promise of success. There is no assurance that things would be alright but let it be reminded that God never promised anybody a life that is easy to bear. He never said that He will offer a life without trials and tribulations. 

He only gave us the assurance of His great love.I realized that God chose me, as much as He chose you too. He dearly loves me. That's why He set these dreams and passions in my heart. God even gave us an example on how to live our lives. His only son, Jesus Christ, became man, lived a life of love, faced the risks of life, and not gave in to fear.

I am sure that right now, I have nothing else to offer except myself, including my shortcomings and all my flaws. This is how vulnerable and fragile I am. Right now, I am giving in to my weaknesses. I will stop putting up a wall and pretend that I am strong. I choose to respond to God's invitation by taking the risk of praying for something as grand and unbelievable as my heart's desires. I will not give way to my fears and instead, I will seek God in every thing that I will do. I will enjoy every moment of my weakness because I know that God is with me and He is ministering to me in a very special way. I know in His Perfect timing, He will put me in that place where my dreams and His mission for me will meet. 

For now, I will keep on living my life knowing Him as I pursue the dreams that God has written on my heart... This doesn't mean that I will be lax now and let things be. Instead, I will work harder in applying for a job, not losing heart, knowing that God is on my side and  He has written all these dreams in my heart because He wants me to work on it and He wants to be with me as I achieve all these things that's been long written so deep in my heart.