It's funny how at one point I feel like giving up on him. I guess the main problem with me is that I do not believe in love being developed online. I feel like building a relationship that started online isn't well-founded. It is shallow because no physical interaction is involved. One's actuations and mannerisms can only be noticed when you get to interact with a person upfront. Admit it or not, these mannerisms affect your perception / point-of-view towards the person.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morn. I just felt like letting go of Miguel. I was like thinking to myself, "how in the world did I go this far anyway?" He is so much a part of my life except for the fact that I haven't met him physically.
You see, last week, including the beginning of this week is tough for me. I am adjusting to the fact that I am back home and I am facing some personal and family issues. I feel that it is too much to bear and I do not know where to start but I am trying my best to bounce back. I am trying to be on top of my emotions so I won't be crippled by it. So far, I think I am doing a great job. I truly thank God for sustaining me and for keeping whatever is left of my sanity. With all these things, I also need to face and handle whatever this whole thing with Miguel is about.
It has been more than a week since we talked properly. He has always been busy doing something and I do not know what those are. And given that we are not exactly together, I am at a loss. I do not know what is going on and it's like I'm hanging on a thread. I do not like being in that position and upon waking up this morn, I just snapped and I decided to email him. I poured my heart out. This isn't the first time I threshed out on him, but every time this happens all he tells me is that I need to be patient and I need to understand things. This time I just felt I had enough. I told him that not hearing from him was a major offense and that I am ready to give up. He always had the perfect excuse not to talk to me and I can't take it in anymore. I cried upon writing the mail. Even I do not want to give him up but I felt like we are not going anywhere with this "so-called-relationship". I just had to give him up.
I did my best to ignore him today. He went online past lunch time (GMT +8) and I stopped myself from acknowledging his presence. I was serious about letting him go. Then, he started to message me explaining that he was really encountering computer troubles and that he really has been busy lately. That made me snap. I answered back trying to choose the right words so as to lighten the blow and so it's easier for him to understand. Then, he just replied as if out of frustration and lack of words to say, "Jamie I have been trying."
All my pent-up frustrations, I told him all about it. I told him how I felt. He begged for understanding and patience. I told him how I can't seem to understand him anymore and how I can't be patient any longer. He just pushed me to my limits. He ignored me for days with no messages, no emails...literally nothing. I told him how pathetic I felt and that I am really on the verge of giving up. It was just tiring. It was like loving someone invisible or loving and caring for someone who is simply a figment of my imagination. Upon hearing that, he immediately said "no". I feel that he is into this relationship too but maybe not as much as I am. He tried to be in control by assuring me that he likes me. Well, that's how he usually does it. I used to feel better about it before but recently, I just felt that it's not enough anymore. It's not going to work out any longer.
Then, his insecurities and limitations came in. He explained how he can't do more, how his English is bad, and how far away he is. I honestly felt it was another pathetic excuse. At this point, I was really so annoyed already. You know that feeling where in you are simply disposable. Like you could easily be thrown away. That's how I felt. I felt like since I am just someone he liked and there is no commitment, he could easily get rid of me at one time and get back to me when he feels like it. I told him that I hated that. I hated it so much! Then, he told me how we should be smart about things.
Oh, boy! This fired me up! From the beginning, he was all about using the mind over one's heart. I think it's actually good because we need to protect ourselves. I, personally, do not want to be hurt again. But things are different now. Something special binds us. What we have is special. We are both aware of it but he still puts this wall between us. I have my walls torn down a bit. I have actually allowed Miguel to be a part of my life already. It's undeniable that we value each other and when he said that we had to be smart about us, I felt that it was just but nonsense! So I told him that I am done using my mind. He just better continue being smart and protecting heart because I'm done with that part. I trust him. I want him to be a part of my life and I am sure of that. If he is not ready for anything, then I am letting go. One thing is for sure, I needed some assurance. I need to put somewhere definite.
Then, he finally realized that I am ready to give him up. He had to ask me three times if I wanted to let go. That's when he started to keep telling me, " eu quero que voce me cuide. nao desista de mim". (I want you. I care. Do not give up on me.) My emotions were on a high by now, so I had to let it all out. While ranting, all he kept saying was,"nao desista ainda, be strong". (Do not give up yet.) Then, he told me to find a job for him in Manila and Singapore and I will see.
He cares for me and it means so much to me. He is willing to take a risk to fly to me, although it's uncertain whether he is going to do it or not, this still means so much to me. I am fickle. I know I said I am giving him up. How could I if he gives me a reason to hold on and try to make this work? I am scared because I feel vulnerable. I practically do not know Miguel but this is going too far. I just do not want to wake up one day feeling like a big fool.
I like how he makes me feel. I am grateful to have him. I just am scared to fall in love and know that it wouldn't work out. He is a great guy. I find him smart and really sweet... but I'm scared.
*sigh*
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