"There is blessing in obedience."

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if this is true. Blessings... of course everybody wants to be blessed. That's why I try my best to obey though sometimes things go against my logic. 


Today, I've heard the most hurtful words that were ever said to me. What stuck on my head is that I am more of a burden to my family than a blessing. I never meant to be a burden. Of course, I want to bring joy to my family. However, right now, it seems like I am nothing but a burden. The words that were said to me cut deep. It's painful and all I can do is hold back my tears and keep quiet. I deserved those words. I got no objection at all. I refuse to believe that I am a burden though so here I am trying to fill my mind with encouraging thoughts. 


I choose to believe that I am a blessing> Probably I am not one right now, but I will move towards becoming one. I don't know whether I should stop dreaming of doing things but yeah maybe I better keep still right now and just take things slow. I have no right to dream big. I got no right to complain. Basically, I got no right to do anything right now. I will just be silent. I will obey. I will submit. I will work towards my goal. I will believe that at the end of this all, God has better things in store for me. I will be still... I will obey.

Disconnected

A week and a few days of no speaking terms and now, I feel so disconnected from him. It seems like he moved to another city without me knowing it. He has moved on immensely and wow, I'm still me. Well, I do not want to over-analyze things. The point is he has moved on and it seems like I'm not part of his plans. I thought we were more than friends only to find out that we were nothing but mere acquaintances. Oh life...

Query

I'm here, you're there
I'm online, you're away
I'm free, you're busy
Our minds meet
Time doesn't
Proximity is distant
Cultures differ
Language becomes a barrier
Can't help but wonder
You and me
Are we meant to be?


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That's What Friends Are For

As a good friend, you tell your friend what's good for him and what's not. You do not sugar-coat truth instead you tell it to him straightforward. You drag him to places which will address his health and wellness. You encourage them to try new things out to make them look and feel better. You do not insist on hat you think is right but instead you convince them to consider your point and allow them to try thugs out for themselves.

Oh man! Things that you do for friendship's sake...


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Location:Southmall Underpass Access Rd,Las Piñas City,Philippines

What I have with Miguel is one of a kind. We connect. We jive. We battle the communication barrier and we try to bridge our cultural differences. It has been 9 days since I decided to give him some space. He deserves the breather while I had to sort things out for myself. Call me shallow but this was all I needed to make me smile. 3 simple words -- "I MISS YOU!!!"

Words are powerful. Never take its power for granted. As they say, words can break you or make you. Words can brighten a person's day or completely darken it. If this is so, may it be our goal to bring joy and encouragement to the people around us through the words which we speak. It won't kill us to leave a few words that would uplift somebody's day. 

Recharged.. Re-start... Let's Go

We, as Christians, are encouraged to take time out to spend with our Lord DAILY. Some people do it in the morning while others do it at night. I am in my journey of rekindling my relationship with the Lord. Not that I have backslid or I totally left Him out of my life, it's just that I am finding ways to deepen my relationship with Him.


For a long time now, I thought just being able to spend "time" with the Lord was already enough. To pray to Him everyday meant seeking Him. Today, however, upon waking up I just realized that it's not the way it should be. We have always been reminded to find a specific time and place to spend with the Lord but I never understood its importance until now.


I  woke up today realizing that mornings are the best way to commune with the Lord. Reading God's Word, meditating on it, and then praying to Him in the morning aligns everything in my life first thing in the morn. It sets my mind on things above and not on any other things. It guards my hearts and thoughts from evil things. 


To others, coffee starts their day right; I believe I just found again what starts my day right - being right with God. Gotta bear this in mind ALL THE TIME and I'm ready to tackle what's ahead of me. Toxic day ahead? Whatever! Let's go do this! I am now recharged and so ready to go.

Try it! 

Music of my Soul

Music has been a major part of my life. I have always loved singing and I don't think I could spend a day without listening to any sort of music at all. 


Last night, John, my youngest sibling, and I went out with John (as in Nichol John) to have dinner and catch up on what we've missed out on. Nichol was very much excited to hang out because we failed to see each other for more than 5 month. We got too busy with too many things in life that we failed to spend quality time with each other.


I got tons of adopted and extended siblings and somehow I have learned to accept the fact that they are only a part of our lives for a limited time. It's not the case for Nichol. He makes me feel like he really belongs with us. He is one of us. He really exerted effort to meet us yesterday - offering us a ride, dinner, and everything else just so we could spend some quality time together.


Last night was one of those nights which has blown me away. I went videoke-ing with my brothers. We punched in old songs, shouted at the top of our lungs, sang the night away and laughed out loud. It's the best thing ever!


Music is no longer "just" a source of entertainment to me but it's definitely a source of joy -- one of the binding forces in my and my brothers' lives. Play that funky music once more! Woot! Woot!

Choices...

Because God loves us so much, He gave us free will. Free will to choose whether to love Him or not, obey Him or not, or simply put choose Him over any other thing in this whole world. I chose to seek Him passionately and make God my number 1 priority. I honestly thought things would be easier since I'm mostly home and I got nothing much to do but to apply. Boy, am I wrong! 


Even back here at home, I am battling issues -- like issues of procrastination and sheer laziness! It's very much evident to me now that none could ever rely on one's strength in terms of pursuing the Lord. Even in pursuing and having this deep relationship with Him, it is required that we depend greatly on Him or else it won't just work. Somewhere along the way, either you'll get tempted or you'll get tired of the routine of seeking Him and you'll just fall behind.


It takes more than conscious effort to seek our Lord. It takes more than commitment to Him to follow all His precepts. Point is even in pursuing a relationship with God, as Christians, we must depend on Him so we will never falter in seeking Him. It's a choice we need to make. If I were you, I'd depend on Him now before it gets too late. Choose to completely depend on our Lord Jesus Christ NOW.

3G: Unleashed

I got a twisted paradigm which has been untangled tonight. I have been a Christian most of life and I tried my very best to obey the precepts set in the Bible. I may be crazy and disobedient at times but I never did anything to shame my parents. I have always aimed for excellence, pushing myself to the limits, and making sure to honor my parents in almost everything that I do. After all, honoring my parents meant honoring God too.


While I was in Singapore, I have met people who got hold of jobs because they lied. It has become a way of life for people there. They "tinker" with their CVs and for some odd reason or circumstance, they end up getting the job they wanted! I, on the other hand, stood my ground and refused any form of "cheating" just to land in the job. I claimed the promises that God would grant my heart's desires. I prayed and prayed and communed with the Lord but none happened. Up to my last day there, nothing happened.


I felt that life was unfair. How come non-Christians get such opportunities? How come cheaters landed the jobs I wanted? How come I wasn't getting opportunities like them? I grumbled, complained, cried and cried some more. I can't help but keep asking what's up with that.


God is not fair. That's the main point that I keep on missing. He is more than fair! He is absurdly generous to the notoriously undeserving. (Read Matthew 20:1-16) God wants me to learn one thing - stop comparing how much others are blessed as against mine. God is ministering to them in a different way so I can't expect the same thing for me. The Lord is writing different and unique life stories for each one of his beloved. Mine would definitely be different from others. 


I missed the opportunity of being grateful when I started feeling all those feelings. I wasted my time grumbling and asking. I should have been gracious. Another life lesson learned for me tonight - In every thing, I must yield to God. Commit to change. I must always have a heart full of grace, and a heart full of compassion helping others to get ahead. This life is not all about getting my own advantage. It's not always about achievements. It's not about who's better or who'll be the first. Learn to be grateful, gracious, and generous.

What is Written on My Heart

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery
of a Woman's Soul

John & Stasi Eldredge's Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul is the 2nd book that I have chosen to read for this week. Just like Wild At Heart, I enjoyed reading this book and it kept me awake until the wee hours of the morning. It spoke to me clearly that I couldn't find the reason to put down the book and continue reading it some other time. I just knew that I had to finish reading it. 

Joel and I at the EPIC
"East Coast" of Singapore

Upon reading this book, I was confronted with the question, "What is written on your heart?" And immediately my thoughts led me to my friend, thesismate, and brother, Joel. For the moments that we have been together in Singapore, he kept asking me, close to bugging / nagging me about answering that question. I could almost still audibly hear his voice from here asking me, "di nga, sis, what's on your heart?" 

It's funny how God reveals Himself to us. He gives us opportunities to know Him more in different ways. He could invite us through different circumstances, through the people around us, through the things we encounter... the point is God's invitations come in different ways, modes, and circumstances and at the end of the day, these invitations remain to be matters of the heart. 

This being said, God's invitation to know Him more comes through our passion -- the desires set deep with us. "What is it you yearn to see happen -- how do you long for the world to be a better place? What brings you to tears?" (Captivating,p.213). Now, it is clear to me, why I have this burning desire in my heart. 

I have been sharing with Joel and my friends, that I got this burning desire / dream / passion in my heart to be in Singapore, be a blessing to my parents and my family, minister to my loved ones and be a good testimony to the non-Christians out there. Why? I do not know why for the longest time. All I know is that something tells me that that's what I have to do. I prayed for it and cried for it only to find out that I reached the end of my journey and had to fly back home to Manila since there were no prospects for a job there during that time and my visa was expiring.  I even prayed to the Lord that if my motives were wrong, He better rebuke me. He better just break me so I may learn new things from the experience but no, He never removed that burning passion in my heart. God only sent me home.

I remained dumbfounded about it. At times I felt I'm at a loss. At times, I felt like I'm holding on to a dream that is unreachable. At times, I felt like I am just hanging by a thread and that's it. I still don't know what's next.But that's the main point! And I almost missed it. God is working in me right now. I am marred with my past, hurt by so many things, and in the process, I have lost my identity in Christ. It is just now that I am coming to terms to Him and to myself. I am in this predicament because God wants to reveal Himself to me. (Yes, I'm like, "What's up with you, Jem? How come you've only realized that now?") God removed me from my busy schedule, my toxic job (which I loved so much by the way), the comforts of my home, sent me to a foreign land (which I still want to settle in to), allowed me to experience trying times (being alone, learning how to cook, addressing my issues, being strong, standing firm about my principles and list goes on and on), only to be sent home because GOD WANTS TO RESTORE ME... GOD WANTS TO RESTORE MY HEART which should be beating for Him and Him alone!

He set me free, left me hanging so I could let go of the clutter that is in my heart. He disconnected me from so many things so my issues would remain to be about Him and my relationship with Him. He is leaving me with nothing so I could recover my long-lost passions, long-forsaken dreams, forgotten goals, and even the vision I once had. (Let me just say that as I am writing these words at this very moment, my heart is beating fast and I am excited for something I do not know again. Haha!)

God is putting all these back to my heart with the exciting feeling of expectancy of what the outcome of these things will be in the future because He is inviting me to cling to Him (tightly at that) and know Him more (as in with depth this time). How else could I know my God if He doesn't put me in situations where He will minister to me in a very special way?? Funny how I kept praying over this summer for God to reveal Himself to me and minister to me in a very special way. I kept looking for evidences that He was ministering to me in a special way. I was hoping for some sort of grand sign like a job in Singapore or an unexpected surprise but none of it happened. How naive of me not to see that He was working in my life everyday through the "normal" experiences that I was going through!

God sent out invitations / opportunities for me to bring my heart closer to Him and ask Him to clarify, to deepen, and to speak to me about how, when, what, and with whom. It is just awesome to realize this one. I was truly never alone after all. God was really working in my life! True enough, "the place that God calls us is that place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet." (Frederick Buechner)

However, reality check now - to be in this predicament is scary. I always told Joel how scared I am, how my fears cripple me to take that leap of faith and jump right into things. Responding to things, even to God's invitations to know Him more, was just to risky. It meant letting go of too many comforts in life and it meant holding on to my faith and defy logic. It's like a war between reality and fantasy. 

But you know what I have realized? The lives of the people who chose to follow God led lives of profound risks! They exposed their lives to the possibility of injury, damage, loss or separation. It involved risks of loving others (regardless of how unlovable these people are), stepping out and offering (though you already have so little and you do not know how to sustain your needs for tomorrow and the days to come), speaking up (though you may be misinterpreted as radical or rebellious) and following our God-given dreams (though the people around you keep telling you to stay put, let it go, it's impossible, you got nothing, you don't have resources, etc., etc., la-di-da-di-da). 

You see life is hard but we are encouraged by Jesus' disciple, Peter, to not give way to fear. (1 Peter 3:6). It is now clear to me that I am scared to step out because I know that things might not go well. I have nothing concrete to hold on to. i fear to be perceived as one of those women who are weak. There is no promise of success. There is no assurance that things would be alright but let it be reminded that God never promised anybody a life that is easy to bear. He never said that He will offer a life without trials and tribulations. 

He only gave us the assurance of His great love.I realized that God chose me, as much as He chose you too. He dearly loves me. That's why He set these dreams and passions in my heart. God even gave us an example on how to live our lives. His only son, Jesus Christ, became man, lived a life of love, faced the risks of life, and not gave in to fear.

I am sure that right now, I have nothing else to offer except myself, including my shortcomings and all my flaws. This is how vulnerable and fragile I am. Right now, I am giving in to my weaknesses. I will stop putting up a wall and pretend that I am strong. I choose to respond to God's invitation by taking the risk of praying for something as grand and unbelievable as my heart's desires. I will not give way to my fears and instead, I will seek God in every thing that I will do. I will enjoy every moment of my weakness because I know that God is with me and He is ministering to me in a very special way. I know in His Perfect timing, He will put me in that place where my dreams and His mission for me will meet. 

For now, I will keep on living my life knowing Him as I pursue the dreams that God has written on my heart... This doesn't mean that I will be lax now and let things be. Instead, I will work harder in applying for a job, not losing heart, knowing that God is on my side and  He has written all these dreams in my heart because He wants me to work on it and He wants to be with me as I achieve all these things that's been long written so deep in my heart.

Singing my Heart Out

 It just hit me! Music has always been a part of my life. It is something that I have always loved. Music is so much a part of my life.


Tonight, I realized something that moved me to my core. 

God is my desire.

I will sing for Him.

I will praise Him through the songs that I sing.

It is my desire to be a passionate worshiper of the Lord. 

Yes, for some reason, that was impressed in my heart. I want to sing for the Lord. I want to sing to Him the sweetest love songs. I want to praise Him through music. It doesn't matter if I'd be the leader or I'd be part of the background, my voice is for the Lord and I will use it to draw more people to praise Him. 

My heart is beating fast. I do not know whether this is because of excitement. Words can not express what I am feeling. It is beyond excitement. I am looking forward to what is yet to come. One thing is for sure, I will sing for the Lord until I meet Him again. 

The Values Checklist

There are so many things written in the Bible that gives us an idea as to how a true Christian must act. Here are 10 simple ones and check if you are able to live out these values of the Kingdom:

• Love God first and foremost, trusting Him for your future.
• Turn the other cheek, giving up your right to be right, to be understood.
• Go the second mile, volunteering to do more without waiting to be asked.
• Care for the poor and needy, showing compassion with no strings attached.
• Love your enemies, lavishing mercy on those who wish you ill.
• Pray for your persecutors, blessing them in the name of Jesus.
• Forgive your offenders, keeping no record of wrongs.
• Mend shattered relationships, no matter who's right or wrong.
• Be salt and light, dare to be different, dare to be the change you want to see.
• Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Well, I didn't pass this checklist but it is nice to know that I am a work in progress in God's eyes. Everyday, you and I are given the opportunity to be more Christ-like. As we journey this life, let us continue to seek the Kingdom and knowing Christ more and more each day.

Reaffirmed! I am DISTINCTLY GOD'S!

It is tough to know whether you are still at the center of God's will especially when you are busy and you got so many things in mind. Today, however, God reaffirmed that I am His child. He reminded me of the things which I need to do and it all starts with being "set apart".


Joshua 3:5 Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.
God is telling us to set apart. Prepare. Make way because greater things are yet to come.


Leviticus 10:10,11 We are reminded to distinguish between the holy and common, unclean and clean and we must teach others about God's statutes. Talk about a straightforward instructions. Discern what's right from wrong and teach God's Word.


Romans 12:1,2 My dad once preached this and I loved how he explained it. These verses were summarized into three points: Think differently. Live differently. Work differently. Got the difference? :)


2 Corinthians 6:14-18 God reminds us to be set apart because He will dwell among us. He will walk among us. People will know the difference because He will be our God and we'll be His people.


Colossians 3:1-14 God reminds us to set our minds on things above. It is all about Him. To be set apart, we must rid ourselves of earthly desires such as sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desires, and covetousness. We must put away anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk. Instead, we must clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience. We are to bear with one another and we must forgive. Lastly, we must bind in love.


1 Peter 2:1-12 Put away malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander. Bear in mind that you are chosen so you may proclaim God's excellencies. Behave well in front of non-believers so when they speak against you as evildoers, they'll see your good deeds and glorify God


Since May, I have been questioning God of my position in life. I never ran out of Why's. I never ran out of things to be anxious about. Now, I quite understand what God demands of me. He wants my friendship and He wants me to be set apart. He wants me to work on those things which He commanded me to do before He shows me the great plans He has for me. I have to admit that I am excited for what is yet to come. If there's a shortcut to it, oh how I wish I could do so to level things up but yeah I understand that in life, there are no shortcuts at all. So while I try to figure out what God wants me to do now, I will enjoy every single moment of getting to know Him more and more each day. One thing is for sure, this time I'll make a distinction. I'll make sure that when people see me, they'll know that I'm DISTINCTLY GOD's CHILD. :) 

Obey God in the thing he shows you, and instantly the next thing is opened up. God will never reveal more truth about himself until you have obeyed what you know already. This chapter brings out the delight of real friendship with God. -Oswald Chambers


There are so many things that I am yet to understand about my situation but I'm sure glad that God is keeping His promise of not leaving me nor forsaking me. It sure is tough to displaced from my comfort zone. But God obviously wants me to learn that I need to obey in every single aspect of my life and then He will show me next where I should go. I should never wane in my desire to know Him more because that's the only way He could ever reveal to me His plans for me --- when I am in constant communion with Him.

Back to My Love

I have ALWAYS loved reading but because of my busy schedule I had to put it aside. Now, that I got no work and almost got all the time in the world, I decided to read once more and fall in love with my books again. You know that feeling where your toes curl and you can't seem to erase that smile on your face? That's what I'm feeling now. 

Wild At Heart:
Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

So yesterday, I started to read once more and my goal is to read at least 14 books in the duration of 2 weeks. I used to read one 300-page book in an hour. So, I'm pretty much confident that I would be able to reach my goal somehow. I started off with John Eldredge's Wild At Heart.


A few years back, my students got so into this book. Boys read it because they wanted to understand the core of their hearts. Girls were encouraged to read it to understand the guys more. Sadly due to my busy schedule (seems like busyness has become a perfect excuse for me to stop doing the things that I used to love. Tsss!) I failed to read it. 


The book offered a lot of insights about the role of a man in this world. It actually made me understand why guys think that way and I got rebuked along the way. Oh, men! (hihihi)


What is a man for?
1. A man is to explore, build, and conquer.
2. A man is to fight many battles on many battlefields. He's to come through in a pinch.
3. He is to long for a beauty to rescue.


What does that mean? Well, we, girls, want our guys to understand us most of the time. We have the tendency to want our guys to be by our side often and be somehow domesticated. However, God never designed men to stay put and be domesticated. The core of a man's heart is undomesticated. Guys never stop exploring. Aggression is also part of the masculine design. He is like a warrior. There is something fierce in a man. Adventure is written into his heart. It's just about having "fun" for them. Adventure requires something of them that puts them to the test. Other than that, a man wants to be the hero to the beauty. A man also yearns for romance. Restrict or hinder a man from being the man that God created him to be will only cause him to lose his life. That's when guys end up being tempted into having other women and even pornography. 


The Woman
"In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate both ourselves and our role in the story. We manipulate our surroundings so we don't feel so defenseless." - Fallen Eve


No wonder, I feel at times that I have to "man up". I have to be a "toughie" because it's my defense mechanism. It's the main reason why women wants to control and we end up feeling like we need to be clingy.


On Sex and Relationships
Men do not need sex to validate their masculinity. It's not about that at all. "Eve (the epitome of a woman) is a garden of delight but she's not everything you want, everything you need -- not even close." Finding out who you are will always be a search without an end if you keep on looking at the wrong places... if you keep on validating at the wrong place. Go back and find what a man is for.


On Commitments / Relationships
God took immense risks. He never limited his risks and covered his bases. He took the risk the moment he gave us free will -- when He chose to love us and be in a relationship with us. Just like any relationship, there's a certain amount of unpredictability, and the ever-present likelihood that you'll get hurt.
- so why be afraid of commitments? Even God took risks! IMMENSE risks. That's all part of the relationship.


"Love anything and  your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal." -CS Lewis


"When it comes to living and loving, what's required is a willingness to jump in with both feet and be creative as you go."


On Calling
" The place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." - Frederick Buechner


On Counseling
"Never make a principle out of your experience; let God be as original with other people as he is with you." - Oswald Chambers

My Heart's Desires

Since time immemorial, there is this pressing desire in my heart that I cannot get rid of. I have been praying for it. I have been asking God to change my heart, rebuke me, and rid of this desires if my motives are wrong. However, it never went away. It only keeps burning in my heart furthermore. Going back to Singapore last May only fanned the flames further but sadly, after 2 months, I had to come back home to nothing. At some point, I am thinking that maybe this is God's answer to my prayers that to be in Singapore wasn't for me, but in my heart something keeps saying, "Jem, keep pressing on it. Keep reaching for it. The race isn't over. Keep praying for it." So here I am, still not giving up on it.


It has always been clear to me why I wanted to be in Singapore. For the longest time though, I wasn't able to articulate it well. This time though, I am very VERY SURE why I wanted to work in Singapore. It is my desire to bless my parents and Tita Ching and to extend God's love to my friends and be a good testimony to my non-Christian friends.


Today, God spoke to me in quiet time. I read Joshua 1:1-18; Numbers 13:26 - 14:9; and Acts 4:1-31. All through out Joshua 1:5-9, God kept repeating that He will be with Joshua. Given the God remains true yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I believe this remains true to me too. God will also be with me. He repeated it several times to assure the Israelites then and He made me read these repeated words because He meant to assure my anxious thoughts too. Following God's Word and pursuing this burning desire in one's heart which God planted means more trials and temptations. Satan doesn't want Christians to have an easy life. Satan will forever put stumbling blocks to delay and dishearten Christians but why should I be afraid? Why settle for anything less than what God wants me to have? God says I should not be afraid, then that's what I am going to do so.


It is my prayer to find the strength and the courage to be able to live these God-breathed Word of Life into my life:


Joshua 1
v5 - No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. God will not leave you nor forsake you.


v7 - Be strong and be very courageous, being careful to do all according to God's Word. Never turn from it so that you may have success wherever you go.


v8 - God's Word shall not depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night so that you'll be careful to do according to all that's written in it. Then your way will be prosperous and then you'll have good success.


Numbers 14


v8 - If the Lord delights in you, He will bring you into this land and give it to you a land that flows with milk and honey


v.9 - Do not rebel against the Lord.Do not fear the people of the land. The Lord is with you.


It is my prayer that I would be bold in speaking God's Word even more. May I find the courage to proclaim the Good News just like what Paul wrote in Acts 4
v10 - Let it be known that by Jesus' name, I am standing before everyone well.


v.12 - There is no salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.


God speaks not in words which you and I couldn't and wouldn't understand. He speaks straight to us and He speaks clearly. We have no excuse not to understand, hear, and believe.


It is clear to me that God planted this burning desire in my heart for so many purposes. He wants me to learn. He wants me to enjoy and rekindle my relationship with Him. He is breaking me now so I may be renewed and once I get back on my feet, I know that I will shine once more for God's glory -- I will shine and be used like the way God wants me to be. 

FRIENDS

Truth be told, I got the best guy friends ever!

I will forever be grateful to the Lord for these two pillars of my life and I couldn't ask for anything else. Twelve years of togetherness - in good times and bad times, they were almost always by my side. They have seen me cry, breakdown, break my heart and go crazy. They never left me. They supported me in ways they knew how. They are not perfect. They still hurt and offend me every now and then but it's alright. We get to settle our differences. At the end of every experience, we rise above and overcome our tests of friendship. God is good for bringing me friends like Erwin and Karl. Life has been easier to go through having friends like them around. Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful blessing. I'll forever, forever, forever be grateful!

Kisses Meant ONLY for My Love

When words are not enough,
let the moving pictures speak for itself...

Note to Self

I super love this guy and I want this to work but my insecurities get in the way. The fear of losing him, the fear of hurting him, the fear of him finding a new one scare me. I need to push all these insecurities away if I want this to work out. I need to move on. I need to give him a chance to prove that he is honest and that he will stay true to what he says. He cares for me but I can't keep pushing him to his limits too. He is not perfect and given our communication barrier, I need to accept that what I'm in is not easy. I need to understand and accept that as a fact. Oh man. I love him... I really do. I am so into deep....

Complete Me

There's a void in my heart. I made a decision to let go and it hurts me. Sadly, Miguel seems like he is handling things well and way better than I am. It is sad because he makes me feel like I am seriously nothing to him. I have to be strong and go my own way.


Then, my best friend is flying out to Singapore as well. It breaks my heart. Since I got back, it's all about letting go and good byes. I remember that time when Miguel asked for my MSN. That was one of the best feelings ever. He made me feel complete. I wish I could just always go back to that time. 


Will our relationship be repaired? Will things go back to normal?
Will I ever fly back to Sg? Will I ever get the chance to work there?

I wish...
I pray...

A Day of Letting Go

I just got home from Bulacan. Delia's father passed away last Wednesday and so I, along with the rest of the Shekinah Crew, traveled to Bulacan for the wake. Delia has always been a part of my family. I would do anything for her. Thus, though I wasn't exactly ready to face the rest of the Shekinah Crew, I decided to ignore that feeling and went on for the ride. The trip to her place was long and agonizing. The traffic, the van, and some other reasons made the trip even horrible but it was all worth it. I know my sister needs me and I have to be there for her in this trying moment.


As always, my dad shared at the wake. It brought back many memories of nanay. Death has been a topic which I have never been scared to discuss nor face anymore. I guess I haven't fully let go of her. Sigh. I think Del would go through the same phase in her life. But in this lifetime, we are all but transients. At one point, we will all just have to let go and move on and be excited for the Great Reunion. So again, reality bites us painfully and reminds us to stop holding on to our dear loved ones and just let go.


Aside from that, today, I have reached my snapping point. Miguel promised to speak with me earlier but he ended up telling me that he was tired and he was going to bed. I decided to let him be. There's no point in speaking with a person who's tired since your issues would only fall on deaf ears. I gave him an ultimatum though. That we will talk this early morn and settle our issues. If in a few minutes, we won't do so, then I am letting go. Ask me again and again if I'm sure about this and I will tell you that I'm not. I do not want to give up on him but I am only getting hurt by waiting for someone who doesn't want me to do so. I am trying to communicate with someone who doesn't want to speak with me... someone who no longer tries to find time for me. It hurts me thinking that I might have to do this but I have to. Aside from saving myself from further hurt, it seems like he does need space too. His hands are quite full with so many things and he is not good at multi-tasking exactly so if he can't manage his priorities (although I'm not really sure if I'm part of his priorities), I would just step down and let go. (Writing all these things scares me and breaks my heart. It's similar to breaking up of sorts. *sigh*)

Just like what Paulo Coelho said in Closing Cycles, there's always a time to close the cycles. 

"Things pass, 

and the best we can do is 

let them really go away." 

So Pink

I am loving my new MSN Theme. It's so  pink! So girly. Well, it's me! This year I am going to be sooooo girly. :) Haha

That's it. I was just sharing. 

High School Hang Out

Hanging out with High School Friends
Bettina & Denmarc

You know what? My life is a bit on the downside lately. Starting over is not easy okay. It's slow and it's boring. It's uncertain. It's sometimes horrible. 


Anyway, I'm not focusing on the negativities of my life. There's no point to wasting our time and energy for it. So, what I wanted to write about is regarding my friends.


It is truly nice to have people who will find time for you when you are not only down. They celebrate with you in moments of triumphs. They exert effort to encourage you when things do not go well for you. They give you reasons to laugh and be happy.


I'm grateful for friendships which stand the test of time. Life is good. They are treasures in my life that I will forever keep. 

REAL

"It's just a fantasy, boy, in an impossible world... all I need is to be with you always. Give me affection, I need your attention.."


Oh, Adam, you and the rest of your band (Maroon5), clearly articulated what's on my mind. Obviously, I don't live in a fantasy which is too bad.  Anyway, wouldn't it be nice if everybody gets a chance to travel all over the world without worrying about having visas approved? Wouldn't it be nice to study in ivy league universities? Wouldn't it be nice to have the opportunity to dine frequently at 5 star hotels for snacks perhaps? How about drink some tea and eat some sweet cakes in London? 


Well, reality states that it's not like that. Only a few could actually experience that. I wish I'm one of them. The thing is what must I give up to follow my dreams? What must I give up to achieve my goals? 


For now, these will all remain but unanswered questions. Hopefully, I'd be able to answer them in the near future.

Majulah!

Cleo's Pasalubong from Bread Talk. Special Singaporean
Moon Cakes only sold because of the 2011 NDP celebration

Because Singapore is celebrating its "birthday" and it's a holiday in Sg, Cleii took some days off to fly back home and spend time with us, her loved ones. 


We, Joey, Cleo and I, spent some time bonding together at Greenbelt where we talked about life, love, careers, and future plans. I can't believe how time flies so quickly. We used to be mere college students before and now, here we are immersed in the workforce finding our own way of gaining success. 


It's funny how we have gone through all the ups and downs that life has brought us. Here we are, still together, despite all the trying moments that we had together.


Remembering all that we've gone through in our lives and seeing that we are still very much bonded together, I could only say one thing -- Majulah!*




----
*Majulah means Onward :)

H O M E

Nothing beats being with the people you consider dear. It's official. I am not dreaming. I am home. I met up with Mav and Pau tonight in ATC where I bumped into Erwin and Maricris. (How come I feel that there's a weird tension between me and twin's gf? Haha! I don't know... after being the reason of their most recent break-up/ cool-off, I guess things will never be the same between me and that girl. Sorry) 


Anyway, I spent time with Mav and Pau. It was just so comfy! Hanging out with them makes me feel good. It's like they are my human stress remover. They talk sense into my head. They  tell me straight what's good and what's not for me. I love those two.


I am so back to reality.

Majulah Singapura

"Majulah Singapura" is Singapore's National Anthem
which means "Onward, Singapore"

Majulah! Tomorrow, August 9, Singapore will celebrate its birthday. I so wish I was there. Before I flew back home to Manila, I saw how they were preparing for the celebration.


Most streets were brightly decorated. Their lampposts had flags on it. Each HDB was decorated with Singapore flags. Every corner, store, HDB, condo, and whatever establishment is was, it simply shouted the Singaporeans' excitement to celebrate their independence. Helicopters even hover around their skies carrying their flag.


I wanted to be there to witness their celebration. I wanted to be there to be a part of it. However, I wasn't allowed to do so. Maybe, next time... One of these days, I will surely witness this one.


And with that, I leave you with NDP 2011's Theme Song - In A Heartbeat

War and Peace

US Army forces fighting those Afghan commandos

I woke up yesterday feeling perky. As usual, I checked my iPod to check who's online and to check my mail. I saw that my American friend, Ian, who turned out to be a soldier deployed in Afghanistan, was online. So I excitedly greeted him a good morning. 


Although we can't talk much about his work because of its degree of confidentiality, we have bonded over other things like over some personal matters. He is someone whom I could run to when I need to ask for opinions or honest comments.


Yesterday, although he greeted me with a cheery good morning back. He told me that he is extremely sad because of the loss of his friends, who were his fellow soldiers. The crash site was near his barrack. 


It hit me again. What he is going through is real. It is scary. He and his troop and other fellow soldiers fight for peace... risking their lives. They spend almost a year in the battlefield defending our safety with their own lives. Such a heroic act, I know...but it's scary too. 


Right now, there is nothing much that I can do about it but pray for his safety. He has a lot to experience. I pray that God would see all of them through. They got lives ahead of them. They deserve to enjoy long life. They deserve to enjoy vacations and trips and holidays. Although, they say that they find fulfillment in serving their country and all that, I'm sure they'd also want to spend time with their families and share moments with them. May God grant them that. May God allow them to experience that.


I thank the Lord for selfless people like Ian. His bravery and his dedication is really commendable. Having a friend like that is such a blessing and I am truly blessed to have one.

Broken

I have been fighting the negative thought that I am not good enough. Growing up I felt like I had to prove something and that I need to be good. Alright, I know for a fact that I am not the best there is and there is always room for improvement. In my heart, all I want is to achieve greater things, to see places, to challenge myself to keep moving forward.


I have failed many times in my life but in most my failures, my parents got my back. I am right now threading unchartered waters. I do not know if I should give up my dreams now, let go, and just be "contented" with being in Manila. I do not know if I must continue to dream big and pursue it all. 


Today, Joel, yes my college thesismate, messaged me telling me of a wonderful blessing. I got a prospective interviewer in Singapore. As usual, it's nothing definite but the prospect made me excited and gave me hope. 


My usual reaction was to excitedly tell my mom. You see, I share almost everything with her - my frustrations and my greatest joys. We were laughing over dinner at how the Skype interview might go and what I should wear, etc. But it broke my heart upon overhearing her conversation with my dad. I clearly heard her say that I should just stay here in Manila and work here. 


It breaks my heart because it's like I was grounded here. I felt bad because I knew I'm facing this alone. I am hurt because this is one of my biggest dreams and I am alone in reaching it. I cling to my parents for my support and for them to cheer me on. It is clear to me that I am not getting any of it now.


*sigh*
My life is not perfect. It's far from it but I am going to overcome this and bounce back. I will let all these sad thoughts out now and tomorrow, I'll be better. I choose to be better.


Words of Wisdom from the movie, "Maid in Manhattan"
What defines us is how well we rise after falling...


I'm going to rise above. 
I will do so.

It's hard to give him up. It's hard to let him go. He has troubles and I want to be there for him. Do I have to? Not really.

I just mailed him to offer my help. If he rejects me, I'll take that as a sign that I gotta let go. I'm scared to find out about it but I have to. That will give me some sort of direction as to where to go.

I'll take it from there...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My life has been revolving around fantasies lately. I'm getting excited over things which my mind could create. I'm far from reality. I am so into him than he is into me. I plan things in my  mind. I create this perfect dream where we could both make and live in. Unfortunately, it's all MY dreams. I'm talking about MY plans, MY hopes... MY everything.


I feel that I was and has always been more involved. Stupid me for allowing this to happen. It hurts. What should I do now?


My heart says cling on and give him a chance. He SEEMS like a great guy but no concrete efforts have been taken. He SEEMS like he cares every now and then or fine, once in a while. He SEEMS to like me but only when we talk. He SEEMS to need me only when we're online. It's all those acts that drew me to love him. 


I need to think before I feel.
I need to.
I must.
I'm a rational being therefore, I got to..
that's what I'm going to do.

What to Do? What to Do?

I do not know what to do! I super DO NOT what to do! *gah*
So, do not ask me about it or I will freak out.
There are so many things to organize and settle and I am beginning to realize that in this physical world I am in, I gotta traverse the world ALONE! tsssss....


Now, time to shrug this weird feeling off and gotta move on.


Lord, help me!

Endless Arguments

We have been fighting and arguing lately. My insecurities and fears are seriously getting in the way and this is not good. I don't like fighting with him. I don't want hurting him. I need to trust him. I need to.

Heart Check Up

Is my heart not in tune with you, Lord?
Are my desires not in line with Yours?
I need a check-up.
A thorough heart check-up...

Random Musings

Reality is setting in fast. I am getting bored. I got no job. My love life is uncertain. I got no church ministry to be busy with. It's time to re-assess my goals. It's time to start writing my things to do. I gotta do so later tonight. 


My life is boring.I don't like this AT ALL! 

Challenge 001

And so the challenge begins today.

Coming from different cultures, Miguel and I face the challenge of making both ends meet. Yes, I am aware of the compromises that we both must take to make "us" work.


I wrote him an email earlier this morn. I realized that I have protected myself too much from him that I failed to reveal to him things which made me the "Jamie" that I am today. I shared with him a little about my family - what my parents do, things about my brother, and of course, a summarized version of me. I took that leap of faith because I knew that he deserved to have an idea as to who I really am.


Surprisingly, knowing things about me did not push him away. Instead, he said that "I do not deserve him." It scares me when he speaks seriously at times. I do not know exactly what he means and I'm just scared to be dropped like a hot potato. So, defensively, I told him if he wanted to give up on me. He immediately said no and told me that he wanted to make love with me.


You see, that's one thing I can't agree on. I do not want to base our relationship on lust. I want us to wait until marriage before we make love. He knows it and he is very much aware of it. I felt his apprehension. I felt his need. I felt his frustration. So I asked him if he could still wait for that. He honestly told me that he doesn't know.


It really broke my heart. I totally understand that sex is a natural thing for his culture and that it isn't given much value but to me, it does. So I told him that I am willing to set him free if needed. We got into another long argument that led to him pushing me to make a decision about us. I clearly told him about my stand and that I made a firm decision not to break it. I, then, passed the decision-making to him in which he said, "nao vou fazer sexo com outras meninas" (I will not have sex with other girls.) I know these are but words and it is yet to be proven, but I do give Miguel the benefit of the doubt and I give him credit for saying this. Guys would leave me because of my principles but he is trying his best to stay with me. 


I assured him that I am only his and that he has my commitment. I told him I trusted him that much and that made him smile. Speaking different languages puts a barrier in our communication so I have to keep asking him about things. So, I had to ask him if it was clear to him that he just made a commitment with me.



miguel says:
 uhuhuhuh
 Im afraid

I have to admit that I am afraid too. I know that we have a lot to go through. I don't know why but I want to try this out. I want to see if Miguel and I would work out. He takes risks by committing to me. I want to reach out and reciprocate. I am afraid but I want to stand up for him.... I pray that Miguel is really God's Perfect Choice for me. 

Still praying...

Level Up

I fear the idea of sharing too much of who I am to people and in the end, I would only find out that these people would betray me or hurt me. Because I do not want to be hurt, I built this wall around me to protect me from the pain of being taken for granted. I like making friends... more like making acquaintances. I am no longer as open as I was before just like in my younger years when I would welcome everybody to my life with open arms. 


I guess that is what I am doing with Miguel. I like him. I trust him to some extent and I seriously love having him in my life. He was there to encourage me for the past 2 months and that meant so much to me. He has a way of making me feel at ease and believe that things are going to be alright.


However, things are getting pretty serious lately. We have been talking about meeting up, liking each other, and future plans. At first, it was really a thrill. I have never done something like this. But somehow I felt that this was too impossible. I mean, come on! Who would seriously think of flying half way across the earth to meet a stranger?! Too many risks to take! 


And yes, I still can't stop myself from over-analyzing circumstances, so when I realized what I am getting myself into, I kind of started pushing him away. I know it sounds stupid but I could imagine how hurt I would be if he doesn't really fly in. 

My Miguel's Passport

So, I started telling him to give me a reason to trust him. I need something to hold on to. Something I guess that I would believe that he is for real.


Guess what, this came to me as a surprise. I received this is my inbox this morning, complete with all his details. (Yes, I erased his Passport number, Identification Number, and all the biometric "scan-able" details to protect him.) Who would have thought that we would go this far? Who would have thought that he would really trust me this much to send me such an important document as this one. 


I got really shocked upon receiving this. He has been really honest all this time! I honestly felt relieved to know that Miguel is someone I could trust. I, too, shared some personal details with him and it felt good that we started off whatever this "thing-we-are-in" in complete honesty. 

Of course there were points in our conversation when I felt like doubting him. Like how he is sort of related to Magellan, that Portuguese conquistador who landed in Limasawa to start off the colonization of my country and all that. As it turned out, he was serious about it. His middle name's Magalhaes, similar to that of Ferdinand Magellan, whose surname is really Magalhaes in Portuguese. So far, all the details he shared with me are verified to be true. And this means so much to me. How else could I doubt him?


Of course, I am still not putting my walls down. Like completely down. But I do trust him more than I have trusted him before. I guess when he said that he is exclusively mine, he was also telling me the complete truth. You see, I got my hang ups in life. I can't help but think that he is probably just saying those things to make me feel at ease but all these risks and actions that he is taking for me / for us is worth taking into consideration. 


I honestly do not know what lies ahead but I am excited for what tomorrow would bring. Knowing Miguel is really one of the circumstances in my life that I will thank God for this 2011. It is just so surreal. It's like that of fairy tales. 


The only thing missing is his faith in God. I want to know if he believes in God. If he really believes in God. He already asked me to include him in my prayers. That sort of gave me a hint but then again, I really want to be sure of it. I pray that God would touch him as I am getting to know him more. I asked God for a beautiful love story and as it is turning out, God is writing me a one-of-a-kind-super-out-of-the-box-love-story. I pray that God would minister to Miguel in a very special way. If Miguel is my "God's Perfect Choice", I seriously wouldn't even think twice about spending the rest of my life with him especially if he would be always there to join me in worshiping the God who made our paths cross and brought us together.


I am really REALLY looking forward to what God has in store for me and him tomorrow...


Let's wait and see...