Exclusivity

Miguel and I have been talking for almost a month now. And everyday, instead of getting bored with each other, we end up finding new things about each other and I, speaking for myself alone, could not help it but like him more and more. He is a decent guy, educated, and very understanding. I guess I simply have to find out what he believes in. 

Yesterday, we got into one of those arguments that we have. We got some cultural differences that influence our points-of-view about relationships. Somehow, he agrees with me. He swallows all his pride and agrees with me. Isn't he the sweetest guy ever? I have been trying to push him to his limits to see how far he could go. And up to this very day, he has never failed to amaze me. Though it is yet to be seen, he impressed me that he could give up things willingly for me. Who does that? Come on!


He finally told me yesterday that I was his. Yeah, seriously! I had to ask him 4 times to repeat it because I could not believe it myself. But he did. He really said and wrote it, " u are mine."

My heart skipped a bit. Seriously! And my toes curled. I loved the feeling that he made me feel. I felt that I belonged with him for real. 


Then again, this is something that we are all yet to find out.


After saying I was his, we started talking about dating and whatever it is that we have. Jealousy did get in the way. I seriously can not imagine finding out that the guy I am liking is dating somebody else. So I told him honestly about it and that's when he decided to crack a joke on me. Oh boy! I really fired up! 


Due to language barrier, I decided to translate and tell him how I felt in Portuguese, his native language.  I told him that I go for exclusivity. I seriously do and I will always will. I thought he wouldn't agree with me because of our situation but he did AGAIN! He wanted exclusivity!!!!!

I don't know how far this would go. I do not know if this would work out. So far, he is the only guy whom I have met who understands how I feel and takes my feelings into consideration for real. He makes me feel loved and important though we are miles apart. He cares for me though he can't be physically around. I do not know what else I could ever ask for.

If this is a dream, I surely do not want to wake up anymore.
It's surreal!
It's just too good to be true...

Surprise! Surprise

Today's Conversation 06212011

It is almost a month since we started talking and each day, I can not help but look forward to seeing him and to speaking with him. Miguel sure does brighten my day. And for today, this is how he chose to brighten up my day. I have to admit, he made me feel real good and he surely made my toes curl. 


*sigh*
Tell me, why does he have to be such a sweetheart? And why is he in Denver while here I am in Singapore so far away with the littlest chance to bump into each other? Oh well, right now, all I know is that I like him SO MUCH. *haha*

Today I'll Be Here

The song is in Portuguese. The title is "Hoje Vou Ficar". Below is the English translation. Hope you'd like it as much as I did.

Today I'll be here
Do not wait for me
I already gave you more than I know
I've been since I've been
Do not wait for me
And all I wanted
a time for me
You know it's useless to change
That time is part me

Today I'll be
going now I
look at the end of this
just to feel you (repeat)

Today I stopped and thought again
Do not wait for me
I've changed more than I know
I've been I've walked
Do not wait for me
And all I wanted
a time for me
You know it's useless to change
the time And part of me

Today I'll be
going now I
look at the end of this
just to feel you (repeat)

I'll be ...

It has been two days since I last heard from him. He went to climb some mountain and I haven't heard from him since then. Since he went away, pieces of my heart are missing him so much. I long to hear him say hello to me. I long to find out if he really does love me. He has been honest and sincere and that means so much to me. He's one of the reasons why I have survived being here in this foreign place. His "don't-be-such-a-girl" comments apparently works on me. Haha! I miss him. I hope to hear from him soon...

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 People come and go in your life. Sometimes they are present while most of the time, they are not around. I get affected when people leave me behind. I don't understand what really goes on with me when that happens but I just hate that feeling. But you know what? One thing I have realized about being alone and being independent, for as long as my parents assure me that they support my decisions and they stand by me. I am fine with that. Never in my life have I thought of how much they both meant to me. Their opinions mean so much to me. I have the coolest parents ever! What else could I ever ask for?


Right now, I honestly feel incomplete since I am far from them. For a few weeks now, I have been feeling that I have lost my balance. But all their messages of cheer, prayers, and blessings keep me going. They have faith in me. They believe that I can stand on my own. It means so much to me that they are trusting me this much. I needed that badly. For a time I thought, they never really believed in me. I felt that they could see me as someone who would just depend on them. Being far from them and experiencing all these things in the name of independence and career building made me realize that my parents actually took a leap of faith as well and trusted me so much. 


My heart longs for them. Their presence is an assurance and a security blanket for me. I miss that but right now, I got to stand on my own. I need to learn how to trust God and allow Him to lead my life.

I do pray things would work out for me. I would love to seriously bless my family with things that they deserve. *sigh* God bless my heart's desires...

Adjustments

Today, my sched was different. Instead of the usual long morning chats with Miguel, I spent my morn being a bit lazy. Yeah, bad I know. He was going out and so I really can't spend much time talking to him. I felt bad that I can't be with him longer. 

But he did something which made me smile. . .


I honestly thought he'd leave without saying bye so I told him to just go. However, a few minutes after, he came back and smothered me with online kisses (if ever there is such a thing...haha). I find it sweet and really sensitive of him to do so. I thought he'd leave me hanging and that's it. I was getting used to the ideas that guys do not really mind the feelings of the girls. With Miguel, it's different. He amazes me. 


What will happen next? I still don't know. Things remain bleak and vague and ambiguous and all the uncertain things that you could describe but yeah, so far, Miguel never fails to surprise me. I badly needed surprises. I truly am grateful to God for this guy. He seriously puts a smile on my face. 


Alright, gotta sleep now. 


xoxo
beijo

I Want To Know

Chantal Kreviazuk

I could feel you

You were there

And I could hold you

But you're not there

I, I'm gonna wait

I, I'm gonna wait

And I'm gonna wait

I just want you to know

I want you to know

All that I have is

All that I forgot to say

I want you to know

I didn't go

All that I have is

All that made you run away

I could see you

You were there

And I could hear you

But you're not there

I, I'm gonna wait

I, I'm gonna wait

And I'm gonna wait

I just want you to know

I want you to know

All that I have is 

All that I forgot to say

I want you to know

I didn't go

All that I have is

All that made you run away

I, I, I, I'm gonna wait

I, I'm gonna wait

I just want you to know

I want you to know

All that I have is

All that I forgot to say

I want you to know

I didn't go

All that I have is

All that made you run away

All that made you run away

Fairy tales...

I enjoy fairy tales and happily ever afters but only in novels and movies. I know the fact that there is a line that separates make-believe from reality. There are so many things that I have taken for granted in the past. From friends to even as simple as being able to communicate in English.


Lately, I have been teaching Miguel, my Portuguese friend, how to speak in English. He is in Denver taking up English and I basically help him become better at it. For almost a week now, we have been talking daily. We talked of how his day went, what his lessons were, his experiences and anything just goes. No holds barred. For some reason, speaking with him came naturally.There were moments when I could not understand him. Miguel, being multi-lingual, tells me things either in Portuguese, Spanish, and even Italian! Amusing, huh? Yeah, it is and it is complicated too.


He has always been gentlemanly. I guess the language barrier makes him carefully think of what he has to say first before he speaks. It's all good actually.


Yesterday, we started bonding at 9am, my time. He just came from school. He paid his dues. However, in the middle of the conversation, I started singing Adam Levine's version of "I Ain't Got You" and he stopped me. It brings back so much memories and he didn't like it. We had a little misunderstanding over that. I just stopped talking to him. Our cameras were on. I just continued with my application and ignored him. I felt like there was no point in explaining since he wouldn't understand.

Cooking with Miguel

But sensitive as he is, he told me that we just had "our first fight." I never thought he would actually deal with it. He noticed that I was ignoring him and he called my attention about it. Not knowing whether to apologize or not, he pulled a joke saying his leg is dead and he cannot move. He then said, "you won the fight." It made me smile. He was willing to let go and let a misunderstanding pass just to make sure all is well again.


He got hungry and we started talking about food. I admitted to him how much I am so not into cooking. Guess what he did? He went to the kitchen, prepared the ingredients, and started teaching me how to cook. Again, language was a barrier, but I admire him. He tried his best to teach me how to cook. Whenever he doesn't know the English terms, he would either show me the ingredients or he would consult our trusty translator and tell things to me. It was really funny but it was so fun too. I didn't think that he would really go out of his way to help me out.


We started talking about music and songs. He made me listen to salsa and that's when started talking about dancing. Things became serious again at this point of our conversation. This was past lunch by the way. We have been talking for 3 hours now.  He made me listen toDj Rui Da Silva - Touch Me and I told him that it is something which I could dance to. He then said, "together". I told him honestly, "like as if it is possible." His reply shocked me. He said, "I will take my chances."


It was like one of those moments wherein you heard the things which would make your tummy flip and butterflies are flying in your tummy.But just like any fairy tale, he said something which burst my bubble once more. He told me about its impossibility. I honestly felt disappointed. That hurt. And I felt helpless. I just kept quiet. I tried to brush the feeling away. He, too, fell silent. He just stared at me. He was in deep thought. Then, he said these, 
[6/14/2011 2:07:42 PM] Miguel: im worried about doing the right thing.
[6/14/2011 2:08:14 PM] Miguel: though you are sad, I wonder if I can do


He called and told me straight to my eyes that he likes me. But I'm here and he's there. He kept saying he really likes me and it's hard. If he only knew what he was doing to me. It was so hard for me too. He makes me want to fall in love. He makes me want to care and love him. He makes me want to be there for him. He had his moment of loneliness yesterday. He missed his family too. And I wanted to be there for him too. He makes me feel like hugging him and just be there for him until he feels better once more. It's weird I know. All these things are weird for me, but this is the truth.


I went to Karl's yesterday and instead of sleeping, Miguel waited for me. He waited for me patiently. He just kept saying he's there. And true enough, he was there.


He gives me hope. Weird I know. He shared with me that he is thinking of flying to meet me. How I wish it was easy for me to travel too. So I could meet him in Mozambique or Brazil or Portugal and enjoy places with him. I feel like trusting him. I think I do and I don't just want to admit it. 


I don't know what's next. I do know how far this would go. I don't know if I will ever meet him. I don't know if he will simply remain an online friend. I don't know if he will just be a figment of my imagination.


One thing is for sure, I will forever be grateful that he came to my life. Things are odd and uncertain but everything is defeated with the joy and hope he brings forth to me. He makes me believe in myself. He encourages me to keep on going. He will always be God's blessing to me. I really praise and thank God for Miguel's friendship. That alone is enough for me.


xoxo

He likes me.
He told me straight.
Butterflies on my tummy decided to simply stay.
I like him but reality states,
I'm here, he's there
Now isn't that unfair?
It's hard
Liking him from afar
His honesty draws me to him
He is more in control
That's why he still has this wall
So he won't easily fall
His stares in which I could drown
When he waits, he does without a frown
He cares for how I feel
Yes this is all so surreal
I think I'm falling...
Hard and into deep...


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MIGUEL

Miguel Filipe Magalhaes

I am surviving the harsh world of Singapore because of people who keep me company through this trying times. This is Miguel and I met him online. He messaged me and I replied back. Since then, he managed to keep me sane.

He is Portuguese who is in Denver right now studying the English language. He is 29 years old and with wide range of experiences -- from Economics to IT related things.


I seriously would have lost my mind if Miguel wasn't there for me. He calls up almost everyday to check on me. He tells me things which makes me braver. He literally invests time and exerts effort to help me keep going. He is such a sweet guy with such a big heart.


I sure am grateful to have met him. I would have lost my sanity if he wasn't around. :) 

What's Up?

I had a LONG day. I went to Orchard today to have an interview at MindLab. It's like a tutorial center for students. I just tried the idea of becoming a tutor there but the differences in curriculum was so glaring. I honestly feel that I won't stand a chance there.


The interviewer was so cool. She offered me other positions which would allow me to use my Marketing background. It gave me hope. Sadly though, no concrete plan was closed. No offers were made. 


After tomorrow, I am going on my 3rd week here in Sg. I can't just give up on my dreams. I can't leave my cousin alone. I can't waste this opportunity. I feel like I am trying so hard to fit in but I do not care. 


If I am to analyze what's happening in my life, I know that things are falling into its place. It's like piece by piece, God is writing a novel where I am the main character. Things aren't ideal, circumstances are tough, but slowly, everything seems like it is falling into its proper perspective.


I know that the Lord is not yet done in writing this chapter of my life. Remaining hopeful is tough but I sure do have no reasons to be hopeless given that God is with me. I am excited to find out as to how things would unfold especially how things would come into an end.

For now, though things remain complicated, I choose to BELIEVE, have FAITH, be STILL and KNOW that the LORD is GOD over my life.


Tough? Oh yeah...
but I will rise and soar.
I claim this in Jesus' name.
God is with me. I can conquer this and I WILL OVERCOME. 

Being Watched

Being sheltered all my life, I have been used to being watched always. It was honestly annoying when I was younger and all you could think of was how one could escape the shelter. But as one matures, you get the hang of it and somehow the idea of being sheltered grew to me given that I was delegated less responsibilities to decide. It saved me from accountability.


Being alone, and I mean with no parents around, here in Singapore is tough. I am not ashamed nor scared to admit that I am so attached to my parents. That being told, making my own decisions, directing things, and living on my own are tough things for me. It is like suddenly I was introduced to this big world and I am scared to jump and spread my wings. 


For 12 days now, I find myself crying myself to sleep or upon waking up. My world has been shaken upside down and even thrown around. I am scared to be responsible. I don't know who to speak with. I don't want to tell my parents about it because I don't want them to worry. I dare not tell everything to my cousin because I don't want her to worry as well. Keeping all these things inside worried me.


The Bible has always been my safe refuge. Yes, many times I have taken it for granted and I admit it was so wrong. I still praise the Lord for giving me that chance to breathe in His breath of life at the time when I needed it the most.


My mom, whenever she goes online, never fails to declare blessings upon me. She tells me how favored I am by the Lord. It always brings me to tears when I hear that. One of the reasons why I opted to fly here was not only for the advancement I would get but also so I could support my family and Tita Ching. The past few days scared me so much because things have been quiet and I felt like hope was nowhere to be found and that my dreams were too difficult to reach.


God is good for He granted me answers way beyond what I could ever imagine. He sent random people to bless me. He allowed acquaintances to encourage me. He used my friends here to build me up. It means a lot to me. It keeps me going.


He spoke to me through my devotions too. Funny how I wake up with praise and worship songs in my head and these songs address the needs of my anxious soul. He reminds me of His goodness and love which will follow me all the days of my life. He reminds me that I am surrounded with His favor always and forever. It seriously makes me think and it brings forth peace to my heart.


Today, my quiet time is focused on Psalm 91:10-11 No evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling place; for He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways.


I have been fearful in so many ways. And yes, that is despite the fact that fear and all these anxious thoughts are considered as sins of unbelief towards the Lord. My humanity and my weaknesses overwhelm me and I try my best to shrug it off but it is tough and I admit that. Reading passages like Psalm 91 rebukes me and reminds me to embrace what God has for me. I need to seriously let go of all apprehensions and believe in what God has planned out for me. 


With a strong promise like that, I should not fear. That I will do today.

You see, I heard all sorts of negative stuff about my college,  my credentials, and my CV and it brought me down the dumps. I pressed on. My interview later is a tutoring job. Technically,I can't teach here in Sg but God opened an opportunity for me to do so. How great are His ways indeed.


I believe that God is with me. I believe that He is going to bless me. I believe that He will lead me to where I will shine brightly for His glory. My journey has no conclusion yet. I am yet to find out what lies ahead. Yes, I haven't pushed all my fears and worries aside, but with God on my side, I will be strong. I will be able to overcome. And I know that I will excel.


God is good.
I know that this is just the beginning. God will be magnified through my testimony. I know that God will be known and will be praised because of all these things.


xoxo

Big Day

I will never stop thanking the Lord for today's good news. Indeed, He gives hope to the hopeless and His answers come right on time. I pray that I will excel later and that people would see Jesus in me. Today, God's name will be glorified. And starting today, He will be known through the works that He has done and He will be doing through me.

Thank you, Lord, for everything!


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Helpless

Let me just say that this is the most helpless state I have ever been into and I am shaking inside. I feel scared. Lost.

Lord, just embrace me and keep me strong. Help me get through this. Help me move on. 

REALITY

Another day to battle. Robert is gone. It's just me and Juvy from now. Being the older one, I need to take in the responsibility of caring for her. I feel like I am at a loss since I do not know where to start. I am unemployed and I am scared that my chances of finding an employment is quite slim. 


My heart is overwhelmed and the Lord knows it. I had to let go all of the comforts of my life. I left because I feel I am ready to assume greater responsibilities. How? When? Where? Say what? Yeah, I know. The answer to all of it is I do not know. All I know is that I need to start supporting my loved ones instead of them supporting me.


Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not in my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths straight. That is what I will start doing. Everyday seems like a new start for me. I take things one at a time. You see living my comfortable life is so tough for me. Now I have to cook, clean, and do the rest. On top of that, find work. In this world where I am in, I find things cruel. If I analyze things closely, it is like as if there is no glimpse of hope for me. Nothing is given to me to be hopeful for. It is sad. Seriously but I sure am glad that I am given a choice to think otherwise. 


I choose not to be defeated by my fears. I will get up and get going again. 


I pray things would work out fine. God's favor is upon me. I know and I believe that things would be better soon. 

Letting go

Yeah, Ja and I are at the airport. It's sad that Robert's journey has come to an end. I feel sad that he can't be with us anymore. It could have been better if he could stay longer.

I just moved out of my friend's place and went to Ja's flat. Family is family. We stick together no matter what. Reality will set in tomorrow as we will have to face things and survive our what's ahead of us together.

I claim that greater things are yet to come. God is with me, there's nothing to fear. I just need to be constantly reminded of that.

Life goes on...
And it surely will continue tomorrow. Let's see how God will continue this journey of mine.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Airport Boulevard Rd,Singapore,Singapore

Break

It's past lunch. I'm still in front of the laptop. Applying yet at the back of my mind, all sorts of random things flood my mind.

Anyway, right now, I just want to thank the Lord for sustaining me and for bringing my friends randomly with all those little news. It keeps me going. It makes me feel stronger. Indeed, He will not leave me feeling like I have lost and that I have failed. Thank you, Lord, for Chinky and Cleii. They are my encouragers for today and it means so much to me. 

Overwhelming Fear

It has been a week and a day and my heart is overwhelmed. Again, I woke up feeling unstable. I can't help but ask what's in store for me again. I arose from bed and got up to open and lock the door for my roomie and after my friend left, emptiness surrounded me and reality hit once more.


I am alone. I have no one to hold on to. I don't have my parents to speak with. I am so out of my comfort zone and this is reality. I have to embrace myself and accept the fact that I am alone. 


My fears surge in. Today is another beginning yet I do not know where to start. I am looking for definite things which would yield definite results but still none of the things around me offer such assurance.


I went back to bed and let all my emotions out. I wept like a baby who's going through separation anxiety. I prayed to the Lord and confessed all my fears and worries.Today, I read Romans 5:1-5 and it inspired me to move on.


Peace with God through Faith
 ¹ Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ²Through him we have also obtained access by faith^[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we^[c] rejoice^[d] in hope of the glory of God. ³More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that sufferingproduces endurance, ⁴and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.


I am suffering right now. Being far from home is not an easy thing for me. It's not like as if I could spend all my life outside and be with my friends. Sometimes, thoughts of going back home cross my mind because that is where my comfort zone is. But then I drift back to reality realizing that I have to stand on my own and start being on my own. I am suffering for I have always been dependent on my parents. They are my pillars of strength and they are my everything. I sometimes feel that I no longer need anyone else because my family gives me all the love I need. 


Anyway, in  my current state, God breathed hope in my life. I must learn how to rejoice in this suffering for in my suffering I'd learn how to endure. Endurance would hone my character, my character would produce hope; the hope that would allow me to go through life and move on with it and keep on fighting. Hope won't put me to shame because God's love has been poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit that's in me and that should give me the assurance and the peace that I need to face the next challenges that I will face.


I hold on to God's promises. The Lord's goodness and love will follow me ALL THE DAYS of my life. I'm SURROUNDED with the FAVOR OF THE LORD ALWAYS and FOREVER. God's got me covered. That should be more than enough for me to move on and be confident in doing so. 


Another day, another time to glorify the Lord.


I will forever be grateful to the Lord for all the lessons learned in my life.

Monday Morning (Account 007)

I haven't played any tune. I haven't watched any movie. I could only hear the raindrops falling from my rooftop. I woke up with this anxious feeling in my heart once more. I opened my Bible and read God's Word. I know it's not an instant solution but His Words fill my heart with hope. My fears and anxious thoughts remain but it gets replaced with peace when I get reminded of whose side I am on. 


I have asked the Lord to bless me so I could be a blessing to others. I prayed for God to prosper me so I may provide and care for my family. At the back of my mind, though I hate to admit this, I guess I was thinking, "ahhh this would be easy. God's with me." Reading the Bible however made me realize that it won't be easy at all! It entails hard work and it means to exercise one's faith. To learn how to believe that God's grace is sufficient for me. In fact, it is more than enough. 


I got caught up reading the Book of Acts Chapters 1 - 9. The disciples of Christ were anointed as well and they were channels of blessings to the people around them. One things remained common though, things weren't laid out for them. Things did not come easy. They had to work hard to achieve their goals. They had to persevere and make do of what they currently have.


Nothing changes with my desire to help my family. Nothing changes with my dream to stay here and study. One thing changed though, my soul is know still and I am getting to know the Lord better. He didn't promise me a life full of good things and abundance all the time. He promised me though that He will never leave me nor forsake me in times of lack. I get scared at times knowing the I have 23 days left. My time is ticking so fast and every second counts. I am afraid of defeat. I am afraid of not knowing how far I could go. But I praise God for sustaining me. I praise God for re-focusing my eyes and my priorities on Him. Life is tough. With all the responsibilities, competition, and even with all the insecurities one must deal with, sometimes you just feel like giving up. Sometimes, you just feel like thinking of yourself as a loser but I praise God for calling me His own. He sheds light to my dark and lonely soul. He comforts me and straighten my thoughts out. He fills the void that I fell. He fills my heart with so much love so I will always have room to love and accept people. He gives me peace and hope so I could continue.


Life is tough and it gets tougher each day but God is greater than any of my doubts,worries, and fears. I will move on. I will carry on for God is with me. 

Silence fills the room
cornered with only one bright light, comfy bed, and I
Uncertainty overwhelms my heart
Reality bites so hard


So little time so much to do
Dont know where to start
Give me a clue
So I won't break apart....

7th Day

Today marks my 7th day here in Singapore. In 7 days I have gone through a lot. Let me randomly write my 7 Realizations in Life:

1. God will make a way when there seems to be no way. (Think: immigration hassles)

2. No such thing as I am ready to leave home. Home is where you truly belong. A part of you will always be crushed when you leave your home.

3. Family will always be family. In times of trouble, you can always run to your family.

4. No such thing as strangers among Christians. The best reason that binds Christians together is Christ and you'll easily hit it off.

5. Never take for granted the people whom you meet in life. Truly care for them and treasure them. Love them. Bless them. God can use your friends to bless you in many ways.

6. Life is hard. There are many uncertain things going on. Do not fear nor worry, God has it covered. Fear and worry are sins of unbelief. Believe and exercise your faith. Claim God's promises in Jesus' name.

7. Right believing leads to right living.

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Location:Lorong 1 Toa Payoh,Singapore,Singapore

Slow Saturday

I spent the whole day in the room. Got coughs to begin with and yes, been having cramps. So you could imagine that my day went a bit slow. Again, doubt filled my mind. Anxious thoughts  came in. Will I ever survive this ordeal? This is something which I bestowed upon myself. Technically, I could have not gone through this but I chose to be here anyway. Yeah, why do I have to complicate things?

But how else could I ever find out what is in store ahead of me if I will never ever try to step out of my comfort zone? I am scared and yes, I admit it. As I walked the streets of Singapore, I can't help but wish that I do hope somebody was really with me. I hoped either for my family to be here or at least somebody whom I could call mine. Then again, after which, I shake off all these ill feelings and move on.

I keep reminding myself that my hope rests on Christ alone and that I could overcome all my fears. I don't want to come home defeated and still hoping that I could make my dreams happen. I don't want to keep dreaming of beautiful things and not do anything to achieve these dreams. I want to support my family and give them the best things in life. They deserve it. I know I won't be able to do all those if I am back in Manila. Is it wrong for me to dream big?


Mindset. Paradigm shift. That's what I did. And I intend to hold on to it until I succeed. I just really pray that this is part of God's will in my life. 

Loved, Loved, Loved

I never knew that there would come a time when all I could do is run to my friends and depend on them. I guess I have always been used to having my friends depend on me all the time. I never also thought that they would also care and love me so much. 


You see, I find what I'm going through right now to be so tough. Feeling of the unknown kills me. Whenever I move, I want to make sure that everything goes according to plan and if there would be any deviations, it would be too little and very easy to handle. However, what I'm going through right now is totally not within my control. All I have is my faith in God, determination to overcome and my friends.


There are times when I feel like giving up. Sometimes I question myself why I decided to move out of my comfort zone but I want to help out, that is what I always tell myself. Anyway, in moments when I feel so down low, I praise God for sending people to check up on me.

Henry just called. He pulled a little prank on me and that made me crack a bit. It was a good joke. He made me smile. He checked up on me, trying to find out if all is well with me. He even cared to know if I'm comfortable enough at my present state. It was sweet of him to offer right away to stay with him and his sister, Irene. They would be more than happy to help me out and shelter me. I seriously never thought that he would go out of his way just to help me and encourage me. I find it really sweet and heartwarming.


It's funny how I used to take for granted the hundreds of friends that I have. I thought all it ever gave to me was popularity. Little did I know that I have seriously established good friendships among these people that cause them to really extend a helping hand especially now that I am not sure of my future.


Thank you, Lord, for giving them to me. Thank you for making them call me at the right place and time. Thank you because they fill the void that I am feeling and they make me feel stronger. Even just for the encouragement to move on and for every call that they do to check on me, I praise You, Lord, for these little things because it fills my heart with so much hope and that is more than enough for me to move on and face what is in store for me once more.


I am grateful for having You, Lord, in my life. I am grateful for the love that I am getting. I am grateful for this circumstance where I am learning more about what life is all about.


Overwhelmed, Grateful, Loved...
What else could I ever long for?

Fab Five?

It has been five days since I have left home. There are moments when I feel lonely, moments when I miss the comforts of my bed, and moments when I miss waiting for mom and yeah, just wait.


Almost one week down, all I got so far were email replies and a realistic assessment of my credentials. I woke up feeling a bit displaced. I'm questioning once more what am I doing here. Yeah, I know my faith needs a little working up. I better brush this feeling off after all that's been happening to me.


Honestly, the events last Monday injected doubt and fear in my mind. However, I am trying to stand still and really choose to move on. There are moments though where it catches up on me. Scary, I know. Being held up, even just for 5 minutes, at the Immigration Office is no joke. It's like being detained like a criminal. I hated the feeling. But thank God, I was allowed to push through anyway.


When I got back home that Monday night, my friend told me that I am not too welcome to stay at the place since the housemates wanted me to pay rent. It was freaking me out because I only had enough money to sustain my needs. Nonetheless, I tried to brush my fears aside.


Tuesday, I started sending out emails. I tried to get in touch with Angelina and I am glad that she immediately replied. It was nice to hear something from her and I have to admit that she gave me hope that I could make it here. Seeing Cleo gave me peace. It was so nice to see her. Nothing beats being with the people you love.


Wednesday came, surprises came. The President of NCS and Anthony Lau finally replied to me. Again, no assurances of a job were presented to me but receiving mails from them encouraged me to try harder and to just keep on trying. 


Thursday was really funny. I had a LONG day. I went to Orchard along with Robert to meet Joel and head to an agency. Yes, I am thinking of alternatives already. The agent gave me a realistic assessment of my CV. It's tough taking it all in and remain positive but God allowed me to control my emotions. Thank you for that. It was heartbreaking that the agent made me feel like choosing to teach was a wrong decision because it made my chances of working here in Sg slimmer. I took it in but still I believe that God has greater things in store for me so I'm moving on and I'm brushing it off.


After the disheartening event, we - Joel, Robert, and I headed to Serangoon where Joel stays. It was a blessing we did that because we had a fellowship and it encouraged me to move on. We separated after about 3 hours. On the way back, I bumped into Aizza, my grade 1 partner. It was just so random and unexpected but boy, I'm glad I saw her.


The whole day my phone kept on ringing, not because of bookings for job interviews but because of friends calling and getting in touch to encourage me and extend some sort of help. I spoke with Henry, Eugene, and Katrina. They were all offering a helping hand in there own little ways. I praise God for that.


I traveled all the way to Sembawang to meet Bianca. My baby is now a lady. We had dinner and bonded over yogurt. I missed her. Seeing Ate Joy and Kuya Popit was a blessing. They were very accommodating and assuring. I felt so loved and safe around them. 


I went home tired but happy. Though I'm surrounded with uncertainty, my heart is filled with peace. I continue to pray to God for direction and guidance. May He lead me to the right employers. May He use me to bless the people I love. May bring Him joy and honor in the things that I do. 


Life goes on. Another day to face uncertainty, but I'll face it. I'll move on. I'll go ahead. God is with me. I'll do my part and I believe that He will crown my efforts and He will never put me in a situation where I will not excel and shine for God's glory.


xoxo

It's Just The Beginning

It's my 3rd day here. I am fighting the feeling of loneliness, doubt, fear, and insecurity. It's hard to take a leap not knowing where I belong. I am not exactly welcome in this place where I am staying. It is sad. So far in all the times that I have been here, this year is the toughest. I don't know where to go and what to do exactly but I am determined to make this work. I depend solely on the Lord to make things work out for me.


I just really praise the Lord that Jaja is around. She's encouraging me to go and pursue things. It's tough to be alone but I want this. I need to do this, conquer my fears and be strong. I want to be there to support Tita Ching and give the best possible life that I could give to my parents. I dream of blessing them with the kind of life that they truly deserve.

It breaks my heart that back in the Philippines, all I could do is depend on them. And what's even heartbreaking is that they willingly, lovingly, and unconditionally support me in all I do. For a change, just to thank them I want to be there and help out. That's all I dream of. 


It would be really nice to see my parents growing old not having to mind if they have enough money for their old age, for their medical needs,etc. Lord, please bless me with a good job, good employer... where I could excel and bless others through what I do. 


I will endure this race that I'm in. I will keep on going. I will keep pursuing this. Lord, bless my heart. Have Your way in me.