Reaching the End of My Journey

I flew in Singapore on the last week of May with one thought in mind -- "make my dreams happen in Singapore." For years now, I have dreamt of working here, studying here, and yes, worshipping here. Somehow it happened but not in the way I imagined it to be. You see, I have fallen in love with Singapore. Maybe because I got no other place to compare it with but Hong Kong, maybe because I have been here quite a lot of times, or maybe because I got friends here that is why I love it here in Singapore. Nonetheless, I have always had this desire to be here.


For years, I have dreamt of getting a good paying job, being able to explore things which I haven't explored, being able to tithe, being able to serve in a church ministry here, being able to send money back to my parents and support them, and just being able to start a life here. For years, I dreamt of supporting my loved ones here - Cleo, Bianca, Carlo, Karl and now, Joel. My heart longs and desires to stay and experience life here....But achieving it is not as easy as it seems.


I came here with so much excitement. I tried to forget about my fears but being alone in a foreign land, I had to address all those issues head on. However, it is tough to be strong when you are alone. I got no family to run to. I got delayed at the Immigration back in MNL, got delayed once more at the Immigration here in SG, then Karl couldn't fetch me. Thing started a bit messy and I admit that it dampened my spirit but I still pressed on. Job-hunting wasn't so easy but I chose to highlight the fun part of it. MindLab came along and yes, sadly it didn't work out. 


There were days when I would cry and cry and asking God what will happen next. I only get silence...and more silence. People around me begin to find and land jobs and here I am, I still get silence. It seriously shook my faith. There were countless times when I am at an all time high, then I would hit rock bottom. I felt like losing my sanity. Then, I would hear people landing at good-paying jobs but they had to go either pay agency fees, which were expensive, or do some hocus-pocus on their CVs. I even reached to the point when I questioned God how come others get what they dreamed of and I can't. I told you I have been going through a lot. Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder how come those non-believers get to receive their heart's desires and more. How come those non-believers cheat yet they succeed. It is tough. I needed to feel secure and I had no family to cling to. I cried and I cried and till now, I still do. But God is good to surround me with loving friends and family to keep me sane. God also allowed me to make some friends who support me in my endeavors and encourage me when I am down the dumps.


You see, I aim high. I am not scared to admit that. I dream of great things. I do not have the means to achieve it now. I have no definite sure-shot ways on how to get it done but those dreams remain so alive in my heart. I have been praying that God would open doors for me to be able to reach it. However, sometimes I can't help but think if I am asking for too much. I keep praying to the Lord to rebuke me. It's not because of my unbelief. It's because of motives. I was thinking if these dreams are backed up with wrong motives, I am seriously praying that God would break me now.


I dream to travel the world. I dream to study here. I dream to work and bless my parents and support tita Ching. I dream of serving the Lord in a church here. I dream of finding the right guy who will complement my weaknesses and build up further my strengths. I am scared that these dreams are backed up with wrong motives and selfish things. 


I am not reaching the end of my journey. In terms of my ultimate goal, I haven't reached it. It honestly breaks my heart but I am not yet putting an end to it. I am not yet giving up. And I know that I am not defeated. So far, I have learned so many things about myself and my life. I know now how much I have taken things for granted back home. My fears of coming back home remains real. I do not know how and where I will start. I feel like it will all be back to how things used to be. I am scared to cling to my parents again. Not that I am proud but I know it's not supposed to be that way. I don't want to give my parents the burden to care for me when I am supposed to be the one to support them. Sometimes, my unbelief catches on me and it is not a good feeling. I got rebuked countless times and it still breaks me and tears me apart.


Looking back, my stay here in Singapore has taught me how to exercise my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ even more. I remain weak in so many things, my hope still falls, my faith still wanes but I learn how to exercise my faith and beliefs every waking moment of my life. It hurts to be rebuked by God but the refining process is something that I have learned to enjoy. I am learning hands-on how great the Lord is and that is one of the best experiences I got here in Singapore. My logic and my faith are always in conflict with each other. It drives me crazy but at the end of the day, I choose to exercise what my faith in the Lord is all about. It's tough to close my eyes and just believe but that is what faith is all about! Being still and allowing God to work in my life. 


Being here in Singapore allowed me to experience how it is to have no permanent home. No one to take you in or at least you are not welcome to be sheltered. I had nothing much to spare and it was scary. But I will forever be grateful to the Lord for my wonderful friends. Cleo, who took me in lovingly, was a great blessing. Henry, who offered graciously to take me in.Karl, who fought for me to stay at his place. Even Jaja for sheltering me why Robert's away. Bianca's family was always there ready to support me. It was hard and it took a lot of courage to dump my pride. No permanency was scary. I was sheltered all my life and suddenly, I got none. But God is good because He took care of it. Now, I am sleeping in a comfortable bed with Cleo. 


Independence -- I know what it is now to depend on myself. Being responsible and accountable for all that I do was fun for a time but knowing that there are repercussions for every decision that I meant a different ballgame to play. I just realized how careful I must be when giving my yes and no's to people. Everything that I say here was final and whatever consequence it would produce would mean I have to stand up for it. I had no parents to run to and I missed consulting them. I had to depend on God's wisdom and I had to be keen on His message for me.


I learned how to cook,  do the laundry, and iron clothes. I learned how to care for others before my needs. Budgeting! Ha! Money was a big responsibility. Dad's right. There should always be something for rainy days.


Trust -- I had to work on those issues too. I am trying to break the walls that I have unconsciously put up. I had to learn how to accept people with open arms without getting scared of being hurt by them. I have not yet perfected it but I am doing it slowly. I opened up to Patrick, Malcolm, Wilson, and yes, Miguel.


I admit to be scared that this journey would be a failure. I am scared of what others would think of me. BUT knowing what I have learned in life causes me to be strong. Knowing who my God is and what He can and will do in my life makes me more expectant. I will confess that my fear is still hidden in my heart but I know my God is greater than all these things. He will lead me to where He would want me to shine for His glory and learn more about Him. 


Whatever happens, I will always be grateful for these experiences. God has ways I will never understand but I know that He knows better than I. I have grown stronger and wiser and I believe that He has great plans for me. I am not giving up on my dreams here yet. I still have time but I am allowing God to direct my course. I will be there wherever God wants me to be. I will serve Him at my fullest wherever that will be. 


My journey may seem that I am reaching the end but I know it is only beginning...
and it will go on and on and on until God's plans for me have been clearly revealed and set into action..