Uncertainties

I am home. I have been home for like 2 1/2 days now. Yes, I am adjusting to life back here. I am at a loss. Yes, that's how I feel. I have set my heart and soul to achieving my goals and seizing the opportunities that was once offered to me but none worked out. A part of me wants to cry my heart out. A part of me wants to find a reason why this is happening or at least I feel like I needed something to blame but at the end of the whole thing, I can't help but feel that blame shifting is simply a waste of my time and energy.


Leaving Singapore was tough. It was like letting go of all my dreams. I wanted to be there. I liked the kind of life I had there. I get to decide on things. I am independent. I love how my logic challenges my faith in God and vice versa. I love how God reveals to me daily things that I have never experienced before or things that I have never learned before. Though tough, I enjoy caring for the people I love. I enjoy the fact that I get to practice my faith in real life and I get to learn new things along the way. I have built routines which I could not do here in Manila. It's sad that I can't do it now. Oh and I will miss the worship services at Every Nation Sg and how Ptr. Larry delivers his preachings too.


Anyway, this is reality. I can't stop over what I can't have for now. Although sadness fills my heart and that it seems to have crippled me, I can't just stop living. These uncertainties scare me. Again, I have no concrete plan as to where to go and what to do next. I feel like my world has stopped and not much work is ready to accept me. I will overcome. God has blessed me and I know that I will overcome.


My heart remains in Singapore. I want to go back. I want to still try. I want to work and study and travel. How? I do not know. Will it push through? Again, that's uncertain. 


I feel like I have lost so much. I am scared but I choose to be brave.I will face this. God destined me to overcome. God will see me through. I won't let these uncertainties pull me down. I will bounce back. God will cause me to do so....


I will believe... I will believe...

Reasons

As a rational human being, I am bound to think, bound to seek answers to all my questions. Today, I found out that Fr. Andy Formilleza died at the age of 72. As to why he died,I do not know why. I am in Singapore to find a job and yet I remain unsuccessful with a soon-to-expire  visa and still I do not know why I am here given that I am not successful in job-hunting. I met a guy, Miguel, who showered with me so much attention and he suddenly becomes silent and less thoughtful, again I do not know why.


You see, life is all about whats, whys, hows, and all the asking words in the world. I remain puzzled why God brought me here. I believe that He causes miracles to happen. I believe He gives the desires of His children's heart. I just do not know why mine has not yet been answered. I continue to seek His answers but it seems He remained mum about it. The only clear things I have in mind are as follows:


1. I am in Singapore in search of job so I could bless my family.


2. I am here to take a leap of faith and see how far I could go.


3. I am here to try to fulfill my dreams.


4. I am here because I want to travel.


5. I am here because I would love to study at the National University of Singapore.


6. I am here because I want to be with my best friend Cleo to support her in her endeavors.


7. I am here because I want to spend more time with Bianca who has been like a baby sister to me.


8. I am here because I enjoy worshipping with my fellow Christians here.


9. I am here because I know I could be independent here.


10. I am here because I get to do my devotions religiously here.


11. I am here because I learn more about life here. 


Now, that my visa is expiring and I got a few days left before I fly back home, I suddenly can't help but think why I am here in the first place. I could always come up with reasons on top of more reasons but then again, at the end of the day, only God knows whether I should stay or if I should go back home. 


My heart desires to remain here. My heart wants to stay so I could pursue my dreams. My heart would want to explore more options so I could make my dreams come true. But I know better than just follow my heart.


God wants me to believe and so that is what I am trying my best to do. If it is God's will for me to stay here then He will defy all reasons, logic, and what ever rational there is and He will grant my heart's desires. Otherwise, I will go back home and allow Him to continue the story of my life.


I still seek to find reasons but right now, I will trust the Lord and let go of whatever rational I got. God has good things in store for me and I claim that in Jesus' mighty name. I will succeed because God is on my side. He is a giver and I believe that He will answer my heart's desire that I'd be able to bless my parents abundantly in a way that I, too, will be blown away.


Reasons? Nahhh.. I'll ditch that. I choose to firmly believe and just exercise my faith. Is it easy? NO. BUT I choose to BELIEVE. My God is a mighty God. He is in control. He will be the ONE to bless me and grant my heart's desires at the right place, at the right time. 

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I found out tonight that Joel is going back home. A part of me is happy for him while a part of me feels the loss. He has been a great source of encouragement to me and now, God is saying that "time is up" and it's time for me to go on my own. I know I got to move on and be strong. I just don't know where to draw the strength to bounce back. I believe that God is gracious and He will sustain me despite all the unbelief and crazy things that I have been doing. Yes, I may be a pastor's daughter but that doesn't make me perfect. I still sin and my faith does falter. 

Tomorrow, it's just me most of the time. Cleo has other responsibilities to think of. Karl has a job. Everyone else seems busy while I got nothing else but silence. 

It's funny how I used to complain that I am tired from work and that it is boring and unhealthy. Now that I am searching for something to be busy with, here I am worried and anxious of what is yet to come. Joel is right. I am fickle. 

One by one, God is removing those whom I draw strength from. The message is obviously clear, "In Christ alone, I place my trust." God took me out of my comfort zone and granted the desires of my heart to be in Singapore. I was drawn out of my parents' comforting turf. Then,when I got here, I had to move out of Karl's which was like a second home for me. Robert had to come in and I had to move out of my cousin's place. Bianca's home was far from the business district and would definitely cost me a lot if I stay with them. God led me to Joel and now, he is flying back home. There is Val but we are not close. Henry is around but he could only do so much as well. Patrick, my Singaporean friend, well, he is a different kind. Haha! He has to be taken out for real. For some reason, Malcolm, Sean, Zac, Roel, Wilson, and all the other Singaporean friends are difficult to reach. Jeff is very busy with work too.Then, there's my Miguel, who is at the opposite side of the planet. I cannot expect him to be there for me all the time given the time difference plus we are mere acquaintances. God, too, took Miguel away.

I literally got nothing. So this is how it feels to have nothing. I have nothing to go back to Manila and I need to start with something. 

What will happen to me? I don't know. I REALLY don't know. Only God knows how this journey will conclude and what happens next.

I know that God fill this nothingness of mine and instead of wallowing, all I'm going to do is expect that greater things are yet to come and He will be the only one to fill me up. 

Simple Joys

Miguel and I remain friends. Special and dear to each other and that is it. He has been "my baby" for about a week now. He has been busy while I have been bored and idle. Anyway, we have been working out our differences and I commend him for trying his very best to assure me that I'm his only one.

Today, he is not feeling well but he exerted effort to speak with me even for a while. Yes, I honestly think he is that adorable. He has headache and I really pity him. I wish I was there to comfort him. I would love to hug him and take good care of him. Anyway, he really wanted to spend time with me earlier, so even though he was passing out, he still tried to stay online. He was so cute trying to fight sleepiness away.

I eventually convinced him to call it a night and go to sleep. But before that, I got tons of sweet kisses from him. He spent minutes and minutes giving me sweet online kisses. It's a 1st for that. He was even throwing tantrums because I wasn't responding back to it. I held back in giving him kisses. Although, later on I decided not to mess with a sleepy baby with a horrible headache so I gave him a few kisses as well. *haha* What can I do? He is my weakness! Later on, after those sweet goodbyes, he finally let go and went offline. I do hope he feels better as soon as he wakes up. He is seriously The One I would love to try to love with all my heart.

Location:Hoot Kiam Rd,,Singapore

Reaching the End of My Journey

I flew in Singapore on the last week of May with one thought in mind -- "make my dreams happen in Singapore." For years now, I have dreamt of working here, studying here, and yes, worshipping here. Somehow it happened but not in the way I imagined it to be. You see, I have fallen in love with Singapore. Maybe because I got no other place to compare it with but Hong Kong, maybe because I have been here quite a lot of times, or maybe because I got friends here that is why I love it here in Singapore. Nonetheless, I have always had this desire to be here.


For years, I have dreamt of getting a good paying job, being able to explore things which I haven't explored, being able to tithe, being able to serve in a church ministry here, being able to send money back to my parents and support them, and just being able to start a life here. For years, I dreamt of supporting my loved ones here - Cleo, Bianca, Carlo, Karl and now, Joel. My heart longs and desires to stay and experience life here....But achieving it is not as easy as it seems.


I came here with so much excitement. I tried to forget about my fears but being alone in a foreign land, I had to address all those issues head on. However, it is tough to be strong when you are alone. I got no family to run to. I got delayed at the Immigration back in MNL, got delayed once more at the Immigration here in SG, then Karl couldn't fetch me. Thing started a bit messy and I admit that it dampened my spirit but I still pressed on. Job-hunting wasn't so easy but I chose to highlight the fun part of it. MindLab came along and yes, sadly it didn't work out. 


There were days when I would cry and cry and asking God what will happen next. I only get silence...and more silence. People around me begin to find and land jobs and here I am, I still get silence. It seriously shook my faith. There were countless times when I am at an all time high, then I would hit rock bottom. I felt like losing my sanity. Then, I would hear people landing at good-paying jobs but they had to go either pay agency fees, which were expensive, or do some hocus-pocus on their CVs. I even reached to the point when I questioned God how come others get what they dreamed of and I can't. I told you I have been going through a lot. Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder how come those non-believers get to receive their heart's desires and more. How come those non-believers cheat yet they succeed. It is tough. I needed to feel secure and I had no family to cling to. I cried and I cried and till now, I still do. But God is good to surround me with loving friends and family to keep me sane. God also allowed me to make some friends who support me in my endeavors and encourage me when I am down the dumps.


You see, I aim high. I am not scared to admit that. I dream of great things. I do not have the means to achieve it now. I have no definite sure-shot ways on how to get it done but those dreams remain so alive in my heart. I have been praying that God would open doors for me to be able to reach it. However, sometimes I can't help but think if I am asking for too much. I keep praying to the Lord to rebuke me. It's not because of my unbelief. It's because of motives. I was thinking if these dreams are backed up with wrong motives, I am seriously praying that God would break me now.


I dream to travel the world. I dream to study here. I dream to work and bless my parents and support tita Ching. I dream of serving the Lord in a church here. I dream of finding the right guy who will complement my weaknesses and build up further my strengths. I am scared that these dreams are backed up with wrong motives and selfish things. 


I am not reaching the end of my journey. In terms of my ultimate goal, I haven't reached it. It honestly breaks my heart but I am not yet putting an end to it. I am not yet giving up. And I know that I am not defeated. So far, I have learned so many things about myself and my life. I know now how much I have taken things for granted back home. My fears of coming back home remains real. I do not know how and where I will start. I feel like it will all be back to how things used to be. I am scared to cling to my parents again. Not that I am proud but I know it's not supposed to be that way. I don't want to give my parents the burden to care for me when I am supposed to be the one to support them. Sometimes, my unbelief catches on me and it is not a good feeling. I got rebuked countless times and it still breaks me and tears me apart.


Looking back, my stay here in Singapore has taught me how to exercise my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ even more. I remain weak in so many things, my hope still falls, my faith still wanes but I learn how to exercise my faith and beliefs every waking moment of my life. It hurts to be rebuked by God but the refining process is something that I have learned to enjoy. I am learning hands-on how great the Lord is and that is one of the best experiences I got here in Singapore. My logic and my faith are always in conflict with each other. It drives me crazy but at the end of the day, I choose to exercise what my faith in the Lord is all about. It's tough to close my eyes and just believe but that is what faith is all about! Being still and allowing God to work in my life. 


Being here in Singapore allowed me to experience how it is to have no permanent home. No one to take you in or at least you are not welcome to be sheltered. I had nothing much to spare and it was scary. But I will forever be grateful to the Lord for my wonderful friends. Cleo, who took me in lovingly, was a great blessing. Henry, who offered graciously to take me in.Karl, who fought for me to stay at his place. Even Jaja for sheltering me why Robert's away. Bianca's family was always there ready to support me. It was hard and it took a lot of courage to dump my pride. No permanency was scary. I was sheltered all my life and suddenly, I got none. But God is good because He took care of it. Now, I am sleeping in a comfortable bed with Cleo. 


Independence -- I know what it is now to depend on myself. Being responsible and accountable for all that I do was fun for a time but knowing that there are repercussions for every decision that I meant a different ballgame to play. I just realized how careful I must be when giving my yes and no's to people. Everything that I say here was final and whatever consequence it would produce would mean I have to stand up for it. I had no parents to run to and I missed consulting them. I had to depend on God's wisdom and I had to be keen on His message for me.


I learned how to cook,  do the laundry, and iron clothes. I learned how to care for others before my needs. Budgeting! Ha! Money was a big responsibility. Dad's right. There should always be something for rainy days.


Trust -- I had to work on those issues too. I am trying to break the walls that I have unconsciously put up. I had to learn how to accept people with open arms without getting scared of being hurt by them. I have not yet perfected it but I am doing it slowly. I opened up to Patrick, Malcolm, Wilson, and yes, Miguel.


I admit to be scared that this journey would be a failure. I am scared of what others would think of me. BUT knowing what I have learned in life causes me to be strong. Knowing who my God is and what He can and will do in my life makes me more expectant. I will confess that my fear is still hidden in my heart but I know my God is greater than all these things. He will lead me to where He would want me to shine for His glory and learn more about Him. 


Whatever happens, I will always be grateful for these experiences. God has ways I will never understand but I know that He knows better than I. I have grown stronger and wiser and I believe that He has great plans for me. I am not giving up on my dreams here yet. I still have time but I am allowing God to direct my course. I will be there wherever God wants me to be. I will serve Him at my fullest wherever that will be. 


My journey may seem that I am reaching the end but I know it is only beginning...
and it will go on and on and on until God's plans for me have been clearly revealed and set into action..

Corn Loaf Love

Gardenia is such a genius! Makes me proud to be a Filipino. Cleii, my best friend, made me taste this corn bread and automatically, I got hooked, literally addicted to it! It is good without anything but I prefer eating it with Nutella most of the time. Haha! Yeah, I got sweet tooth.


Point is, if you are in Singapore, go and run to a nearby Cold Storage, FairPrice, or 7-11, and grab one of these Gardenia corn loaves. You will love it!

Sad Reality

It is tough to be apart. He is at the other side of the world while I am at the opposite part. Time difference sets us apart. By the time he tucks himself to sleep, I am wide awake and otherwise.


Anyway, today, things finally took a toll on me. I felt like I kept on waiting for Miguel and for some reason, it has been so hard to just keep on waiting. When I am online lately, he doesn't even bother to say hi. All he says is "I'm busy."
Today, I told him that I am giving him space and that I am letting go. I think it is the right thing to do. He said that he thinks that I am always offline. I told him that I always wait for him and that ths time, I am serious about giving his space. Let him find me if he needs me. I gave him the cold shoulder. I honestly feel sad that I am far and disconnected from him but I feel like he needs to know and care about how I feel too. 

You know, Miguel is a great guy. No doubt about it. In fact, he was so sensitive about how I felt. He called me and he even wondered why I still wasn't smiling despite the fact that I told him I am going to be okay. 


I knew he was tired so when he said he had to sleep, I decided to let him do so. I got shocked when he said sorry. It meant so much to me that he apologized. It brought forth closure. It is my weakness when guys apologize. 


I do not know how far this relationship would go but I am happy knowing Miguel day by day. He makes me happy. I do hope things would work out for him and me. I would love to love him for real.

The End

Nothing is definite in this world. We can only but TRY and TRY HARDER. I flew in to Singapore last 30th of May hoping to find a job and start a life so I could help my parents for a change. Things are going slow for me. Few interviews with few positive results. However, there are tons of lessons to learn and more of life lessons to discover. I rekindled old friendships and met new ones. 


My time is almost up. Three weeks to go and it's almost the end of the line for me. I am not giving up but if things doesn't work out for me here, I am going back home. Same goes with my love interest. Miguel has always brought me so much joy. Since I came here, he was the one who helped me pick the pieces and be strong. He was the one who helped me stand and keep moving forward. He never failed to encourage me. However, as days pass by and things became a routine for us, things get boring. The excitement has waned and I know that he, too, is slowly slipping away.


Every good thing comes to an end. My Singapore experience taught me that there is so much to learn in life. As for love, it seems like it still is a goal to be achieved. 


I can not have everything in life. There's no easy way to achieve one's goals and one can only persevere and choose not to give up just to be able to see the end results.


Will I be successful? Will I make it to Singapore? Will I be able to take further studies? Will Miguel and I end up together? These things, I got no answer but "let's wait and see"... 


Let's wait and see...

Alone

Whatever I have with Miguel is going downhill. I do not hear from him as often as I used to. I miss seeing him almost everyday. Our differences are finally showing. I do not know how far he could go. The same goes for me. I do not know how far I could tolerate. I wish he is near so that my life would be easier. I miss him... I miss Miguel...